to be loved is to be known

16 years ago, I met someone, that later in life I realized, was my first love. 

Sure, he was funny, charismatic, a bit rebellious, good at sports and arts, and a total music genius. But I guess, the connection we had was beyond all that. He was there, the only one knowing my family’s problem, my trauma and my darkest mistakes.

Relationship aside, there were two particular moments that got him a special seat in my memory.

The first one, was that time after school, when we were planning to hang out at his place. We were in high school, and we were not rich kids, so we took the angkot. He went in first - not because he didn't know "ladies first" but that's just how safety works in public transportations. 

Anyway, he went in first, he stopped for a split second, and before I realized it, he was taking off his jacket and put it on the seat. Honestly, that would be the sweetest thing a guy has ever done to me. It's not a grand grand gesture, not an expensive gift nor a mission impossible. But he acknowledged my phobia -- fear of torn seats, even though it's weird. Hell, even all my friends think it's silly. 

Even more, he did not just acknowledge it, he did not undermine my weird fear nor just brush it away. Instead, he understood it, and did something about it, without saying anything, without asking for a recognition, he just did it. No minimizing, no keeping tolls. I still think it's the sweetest thing a boyfriend has ever did to me. Mind you, this was in high school. I think, that single moment had more emotional maturity than all of guys nowadays have altogether.

"To be loved is to be known"

***

The second one, when we were caught by the police on the side of the highway. It's silly. He was driving me home, and we were teenagers in love. So we were making out in his iconic blue car and we decided to stop by the shoulder. It went long so we moved to the back seat. Wait, I think I'm being too detailed. Ha. Long story short, someone suddenly knocked on the door and guess what? It was the police. I panicked and started crying. There were two police officers, so one took him in police car, and another officer was driving me in his blue car.

They took us around, and around, stop after stops. They separated us and I was so worried about him. I could not think clearly. Honestly, in my head I was already thinking about how my life would be staying in jail for some time and getting kicked out of school. 

So after each stop, the officer came back and took us to another stop. I think they tried to talk to him on every stop. I was begging at the officer to let us go, to take the "nice way" out; but I was crying my eyes out so obviously I was not convincing enough. 

Well, then came one other stop. I was left alone in the car again. Then I heard the door opening, and I thought "God, where to next?". But I turned my head to the right and I saw him coming in. I was so relieved and kept asking him what happened. He remained so calm and just said "let's get you home". But I insisted on asking what did he do to make them let us go, and he just pointed at his wrist. He gave up his watch, that was from his dad, to save us. During all the things happening, he was so calm. I don't know what would happen if it wasn't him I was with. He was always the calm to my storm.

⛈️⛈️⛈️

And I know I said two, but here’s a bonus. He also never missed my dance performances. Every single one he attended even when we were in a fight. Even when he knows I'd perform the same routine, or given the fact that he doesn't dance nor interested in it. He knew dance was important for me and he did not minimize it because it's not for him.

He treated me right, and I didn't know it.

***

Looking back, I didn’t regret it cause he’s not mine today. I know that we are not compatible as a couple for the long run, and we've grown apart. Our lives have different paths and principals. We aim for different things in different ways. So I know that it makes more sense that we're friends instead of  a couple. So, no, I don’t regret it because I want him back. 

I regretted it because I took everything for granted, and I was… stupid and curious and wild, and I didn’t process my trauma. Still, I regret hurting him. I regret being an ass. And I mostly regret that I ruined our friendship. 

Obviously, I'm not in love with him anymore. Instead, it's eye-opening to actually understand how it was being loved, and not to chase breadcrumbs from boys with minimum efforts. 

But hey, I'm truly happy to see him getting all his good karma paid.

He’s now with a girl who’s always there for him in almost every show. Someone who’s friends with all his friends. Who recorded, took pictures of him. A calm one, not too rebel nor revealing. A total sweetheart that he deserves. His career is growing, and the world got to see his talents. I truly hope he got all the best things in life that he aim for, and beyond.

And I hope, one day I'd find someone who's not only compatible with me, but can also love me the way I want to be loved.