The Silent City

This hollow breeze hits me every time I step foot on this city. 

Not the pollution, not the unbearable traffic, nor the social gaps I hate.

It’s the reminder of the changes that happened between us.

A feeling of “what did I do wrong” that drift us so far away, and I know it’s not about the distance.

I don’t long for you because I miss you or because I still want you by my side.

I’m longing because I felt like we used to be each other’s special spot to strip down.

Not romantically, not even to hold hands, but just in vulnerability.

A couple sentences of life update, an annoying yet calming solution that you used to offer here and there, your progresses, your lullabies, and your role as the man of the house.

I want to know how the highlight of the stage is treating you.

But it’s all changed. And I’m okay with changes. 

The difference is, I think about you on my highs and lows - I long for your presence in the split seconds between my life events.

But you, you’re complete with or without me.

You’re content with your whereabouts and whom with.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. i’m happy for you. 

It’s just a bit hurt to know that I’m no longer relevant to your pages. 

Well I guess the only way to read some of your stories, is just to listen to the silence.

Tapis Berlapis

Jelang jalanku menginjakkan kaki di sini

Mulai teringat tentang perjalanan dengannya

Bukan rindu akan sosoknya

Namun peran dan hadirnya teman terbaik

Rindu akan memori sebelum batas ditebas

Mungkin berbeda pandang sedari awal

Mungkin diri naif dan menyangkal

Karena ujungnya, mencari sosok yang didamba bukan hanya tak mungkin, tapi juga sekedar halusinasi

Dengan hubungan darah pun mereka enggan

Apalagi tanpa hubungan darah

Selalu ada maksud di balik wujud

Ada rasa di balik masa

Karena lagi-lagi, platonik ternyata teknik

Terulang, sobat kental jadi tak kenal

Sekarang sesal setelah kesal

Kenapa hubungan baik, aku obrak abrik?

Hina dan naif, noda dan sakit.

Jika aku bisa menembus waktu

Kan ku hapus kesempatan itu

Cegah jembatan dibakar sia-sia

Pagar tinggi yang seharusnya ku jaga

Jauhi, jauhkan

Sepintar-pintarnya diri mencoba

Rahasia rusak juga

Ia tau, di kala Ubud, siapa

Ia tak akan menahan murka

Tekad bulat untuk menghancurkan

Tak kenal resiko dan tanggungan

Hanya satu mohon, 

Hindari.

Kalau berpapasan, lari.

Persetan gengsi, 

Tolong. Mohon.

Short Reply from The Empire State of Mind

You said no rhymes yet you did rhyme

Well I don't know, I guess it's time

As you said, we took the risks anyway

Now we have to deal with it in a way

I'm twelve hours behind

Not gonna change your mind

Best for you to move on

I'm nothing but a burden

Thick and Thin

Not sure if you got it, what book I must read

But it’s thick and I sure am struggling and abstracted

I’m already juggling literally everything to shred

And you know how hard it is for me to not be distracted

Jakarta’s treating me okay, getting used to thing

Surabaya, well, I’m just on my way now

I just feel like I don’t have enough time for anything

Wish I could just pause and join you calling cow

Guest shift huh? The same collab too as we planned

Too bad it went only as far as me at planning

Hope it goes well as you’re usually very prepared

I’m lowkey curious of what concoction you’re making

Honestly even if I went nuts and decided to come

I can’t anyway, got to fly to New York, to Austin

So have a very good luck, and wish me some

I’ll gain confidence, though your presence is thin

Around The World in 24 Lines

I just still can't wrap it around my mind 

About how hard it is to actually lose your presence

I guess I'm used to having a 911 that's only mine

Maybe I took it for granted until your absence

Sometimes I daydream side by side with my own thoughts

I'm torn between longing you and not interrupting your process-

of letting go of the thought of me, of moving forwards

And yet anywhere I go, I keep my glances at your words-fortress

I'm soon flying to Surabaya, then Texas, and Da Nang

I'm still in Jakarta, and even here someone asked about you

Saying things like nothing happened feels weird on my tongue

It's gloomy inside, with a forced expression to get through

I was reading the Da Nang competition manual the other day

And hell, you would've been the perfect mentor for my judging

As your plan, you were going to help me rehearse until I'm ready

It's based on a novel, you know how this distracted mind on reading

The drinks and stories will be based on a chapter from the book

I would score them, yet you're the capable one to sit

I'm exhausted of surviving the travels, being on the hook

The journey has so much to offer, so little to breathe

Wish I could, just temporarily cover the emptiness and fill the void 

But the only person who can blur your spot doesn't want to see me

So even with some euphoria, Jakarta couldn't help with the feelings raid

Let's just wait and see what next cities have to offer to set me free

Jakarta

Menus got complicated, trendier

Don’t care, as if it affects what I enjoy

You know how I like it older 

New stuffs, just another new toy

I hopped bars in Jakarta

Thinking of getting new inspo

They all have stories and data

Some shallow and some glow

The fact is when I saw the menu

I took pictures of some pages

Thinking that I would show it to you

Cause who else can relate to the messages?

And so I kept it to myself again

Cause to whom I could share my piece

Without being blamed for vain

or judged by eyes with full fierce

The songs, the stories

We could’ve always related

All colds, and worries

They would never be translated

Missing you, is a foreign kind of sting

Unfortunately it’s not romantically

Why it had to be everything or nothing

As fatefully we weren’t set eternally

And so again, I kept it to myself

Cause it’s scary to show it on the shelf

Another spot, now it will always be yours

Silently, but as one of the permanent doors

Enough?

Not sure how to pour this out

I'm not sad, nor miserable

I realized that with or without

I'm fine by me and my tangled cables

But lately I've been so on guard

A hollow chases my anxiety

Something sank in my heart

Maybe as usual, feeling empty

I have so many things coming

Yet I don't have the desire

Everything feels stressing

Heavy, putting off my fire

Not knowing why

Not knowing how

"One step at a time," I've said to myself

"Inhale, exhale" I've told myself

Some goals, I've achieved so much

I've gone so far, become so tough

What was impossible, I've touched

I'm just afraid I'm not grateful enough

Some of The Days

Some of the days I got easily irritated

And the slow ones, stupid ones, I avoid

Good things I found a way to be stimulated

I came to you for a quality conversation aid

And little some of the some of the days

I got irritated by you

Not cause I hate you

But cause you're being stupid, 

or just playing stupid.

With the capacity that I know you had

With the potential that I know you kept

I guess it's more disappointed than irritated

But being irresponsible?

I guess after all I don't know who you are.

Thanks for making this easier.

Return Postcard From The Silent Reader

The silences between the 2am laughters got to me

I thought I moved on passed what happened

I thought I let go of the thoughts of what I could've done differently

I thought I could, just shove it away and focus on what I have

But...

The billiards reminded me of who taught me how to break

The bar hops reminded me of whom I used to share the social weight with

The cocktails and judging reminded me of who used to answer my questions

Barbecues reminded me of who held the beach barbecue on sunsets

I open my wardrobe and who gave me these so many gifts?

I can't even begin with my skateboard life that I put aside.

Who else is willing to understand my twisted, tangled, sometimes dark mind?

So how can I let go of the thoughts of what I could've done differently?

Cause there were so many ways I could take, but I didn't.

I chose to slip and roll between the risks, fueled by adrenaline.

What I didn't realize was I was risking it all.

I lost a friend, a listener, a problem solver, a planner, a mentor, a partner-in-crime.

And the collateral loss? The boat trip, the photoshoot, the cow-calling group,

the little plans, the inside jokes that now got nowhere to go.

But also, you were right. I don't dream of you the way you dream of me.

I enjoy how you made me feel. You fed me confidence, comfort, and a safe place.

It's not that you're not worth the price, and you weren't just a phase.

But deep down I know I can't ever 'return' how much you've been giving.

So a tiny part of myself, is relieved, that you found the courage to let go.

So run, fly, reach what you deserve. Cause I've been only holding you back.

You don't shed tears, but you're breaking yourself. And it's on me.

So let my tears bear all these, and let yourself free from the weight I brought.

A Short Story of A Fairy with Dark Wings

Once upon a chaotic period of life, there lived a dark fairy, growing up in a city that looks good. It looked perfectly fine from the outsiders' point of view, but if you go inside -- chaos, anger, greed, and addictions. She tried so hard to leave the town, but it was the only place she knew. So she stalled, and stalled, and eventually grew up there. Though the city's eyes are always on her, pushing and pressuring her to be the savior of the city. Putting sins and sufferings from others' hands, onto her shoulders. All the weight of the darkness made her feel an emptiness inside of her. Eventually, she believed that she was destined for something bigger, better.

Just on the outskirt of the so called city, there was an art camp, full of naturalists, artists, musicians, philosophers. She stumbled upon the camp, and lucky for her, they cared a lot about her. So every time she felt sad, confused, or even breaking down, she went there and seek help. The camp brought her joy, peacefulness, and calmness. She then decided to move there. The camp really took care of her, taught her things, even cherish her with all her dark pasts. But with that kind of simple life, she still felt like something is missing, like she needed something bigger. So some times she went out of the camp and look at the possible paths to go to the bright and shiny kingdom. She observed, and every night she went away, she went further and further. 

Just when she thinks nothing can go wrong, the darkness from her previous city came and brought chaos to the camp. She felt guilty, but she also couldn't do anything about it. She apologized, and decided to leave the camp, and never come back. 

So she took one of the paths to go towards the glamorous kingdom, went through the hurricanes and hunger, rainy days and rawness - just trying her best to get past the surroundings of the kingdom. She has one goal; to get to the palace. She learns things the hard way, making mistakes and paid for them. Begging, crushing, apologizing, hurting, pretending, lying, helping, networking, disappearing... and eventually found herself back in the mirror, thinking "what the hell am I doing?"

Just like that, she took a big pause of her journey. She took a long walk along the kingdom's boundaries, and stumbled upon a crowded pub. She went in, and hell she liked it. In the pub, she can be herself. No judgement of her colors, her darkness, or the dark wings. So she stayed, and she tried all kinds of beers served. The patrons made friends with her and they played all kinds of games together. She felt so welcomed, and she could share the weight she's been bearing. The patrons? They're not scared or disgusted by them, they laughed it off as if traumas were the funniest jokes. Minutes spent become hours, hours become days, and days become weeks. But when the dopamine ran off, she shook her head and realized that she had her goal forgotten, and this pub has been holding her in a trance. After all, she needed to reach to 'that' point to complete her. Right?

So she left, again. And continued to path her ways to the palace. There were big holes where she fell every now and then, but she always got some help from people around. It's like people couldn't really see the darkness she carried. So she started to help people back with her magic. One help at a time, she grew some colors in her wings, and she didn't hate it. She keeps walking up, working hard to make progress, and in between she kept making new encounter that added more color to her.

One day the colors annoyed her. It was too much, she got overwhelmed. So she put back her black cloak and only show so much of the colors in the wings. She sharpened her vision, and tried her best not to get distracted again and again. 

Weeks have gone, and she realized that the lone journey was not so bad. She found it peaceful, and perfect. Just when she thought it couldn't get any better, she found the palace door. Surprised and confused, she didn't just come in straight away. She tried to observe from outside, and look out for the risks. Going closer and further, back and forth, before she decided to go in.

Then, she convinced herself that it was the day she had to come in. So she did. She saw the throne, the diamonds and the gold. But also, there were other fairies inside. So she stayed quiet, and looked around. All the other fairies were focusing on the diamonds and gold, without knowing that they come with risks, responsibilities, and the weight. She took a minute of courage to join the rumble and tried to reach for any of the valuables. But the other fairies were bigger and stronger, so she got thrown away to the wall.

Unexpectedly, the throne saw her, and chose her. The other fairies were banished, and she got everything.

But everything, comes with a price. She had to take off her dark cloak, left her sorrow, and turned into an angel. So she did.

She tried her best to be worthy of the throne, of the diamonds and the gold. She changed herself. The only darkness she carried, she hid it inside. 

But she got tired, and she was back on the emptiness. "Isn't this what I always wanted?" she asked herself. She stared at herself on the mirror, realizing how much she changed. "Is this the real me? Or am I being too pretentious?"

So during her free time, she got out of the palace, and took an "off-day" to go back to the pub. Saying hi to the folks, fulfilling her craving of the beers, and harvesting dopamine from the games. It was enough to patch her emptiness, and she went back to her palace.

Time goes by, the once dark fairy got ill from the stress. She needed to share the weight she boar. But the diamonds and the gold weren't helping, so she went to the pub again. This time, something touched the addiction in her blood. So she went there more and more often, chasing the fulfillment in her emptiness.

Until one day, she didn't realize that she had abandoned the palace. The diamonds and the gold became full of rust, and the throne call her for judgement. She was lost and got nowhere to run. She tried so hard to bear everything on her own but then she failed to hold herself back. She ran back to the art camp and seek help. The art camp, as always, welcomed her with warmth and calmness, and let her stayed for awhile, just until she could think clearly. She didn't even cry until she reached the camp, where she could tell without explaining, and show without exposing. The camp brought her to her clear mind, and then let her go back to the journey.

In the palace, where there was judgement, she got punished. She's not locked in, but the pub was burnt down on behalf of the palace. The palace also took her wings and she's left with nothing but blinding light dresses. She was not happy at all, but she was too afraid to leave the palace. And she didn't want to lose the throne, not yet. She never wanted to go back to the dark and heavy journey she was struggling in. So she stayed, even without her black dresses and cloaks.

She tried her best to fix the diamonds and the gold, side by side with her emptiness. Just so the palace can be open and airy again, for her to breathe.

And deep down she knows; the emptiness, it has no cure wherever she looks in this world.

It comes from within, and she was born with it, along with her black, broken wings.

butterfly in a cage

hearts pounding, expression forced, eyes wandering

being cautious with distance and interaction

we met, but we weren't really meeting

from the back of my eyes, full of tension 

from sharing a cup of black coffee, a meal, or a joint

to the exchanges of gifts and second-hands

i can't digest how did we reach to this point? 

"partners-in-crime" into strangers with split ends

i felt so lost, weird, my soul dissociated and hollow

i never once like to take sides but here i am anyway

is it true what shari said -- that I am shallow?

to follow what's "right" for the eyes at the end of the day?

the thing is, it came to an end along with a war 

you said it wasn't me, but who else to blame when it's ill?

i'm no hero, but to make peace is what i've known so far

what's a bit of sacrifices to make the water still?

to be brutally honest, i don't know what we were

you said it was beyond the capacity of word

but is it? or you just couldn't really get there

i never really let you; i guess i'm a coward

or was i just too comfortable with getting the steak

and then ran to you for the water when i'm thirsty

going back and forth, deep down knowing the stake

denial, convincing myself that i'm a changed entity

or maybe, as one of my friends told me something new

within the kinds, you're my "platonic soulmate"? 

that i couldn't really let you in because i knew

we weren't born to be living in the same gate

after all i'm a quirky butterfly, a rebel to the edge

ironically, my own mistake put me in this cage

i hate it, unable to fly wherever i long to roam

but i guess that's just it, the end to my sad poem

realizing in disguise

this one is for you, the one called "perfect pair"

though you don't get me and the weight i bear

you don't relate to my struggles and sacrifices

my traumas and wounds, fears and flinches

i did gave you hundreds

yet you wouldn't meet halfway

and then that i gave less

you demand what was given away

i am no saint, no pure nor innocent

but you stripped me unguarded 

even if words are not what you meant

you did take me for granted

i'm proud of myself for at least giving a crack

working, thriving, breaking down in between

but i keep finding myself back on track

realizing one dream at a time, seen or unseen

i have my way, on my complicated timeline

but no one can force my brain otherwise

sometimes it's full of missteps that are mine

what can i say? maybe i'm a devil in disguise

blue to desert

it's strange, it's blue

when people ask me about you

i pull fake smiles

and just say you're away miles

i finally bought it today

too bad you couldn't see

was quite impulsive, but still okay

another step towards a better me

it's still naked, reminded me of you

your phone, i meant, not you you (sorry)

at least i'm busy with a new toy to explore

still wishing you a night that doesn't bore

a dance with the journalist

past midnight, it's time to get ready for bed

but now, 2am conversations became bedtime stories

i type in "b" and it comes to your words shed

even if i can't be sure what episode i'm on this series

we were so close, yet we faced different directions

no coincidence, or maybe just avoidance

i know that it's for the best

no more surprises on my chest

the sensation of watching your words dancing

even my tears and smile are in sync

in another life you'd be a star writer

and maybe i'd join in one chapter

but I'm not sure how heavy is the weight

of what we were, what remains, or what stayed between us

is it heavier than one week of haunting thoughts?

for now, i'd close my door again so you can move forward with no fuss

Lights On.

God, just now, 1.35 AM, someone knocked on my door and my heart jumped.

It all flashes back of one week ago. Not the best feeling ever.

Fuck, I thought to myself, "what the fuck is going on now? what now??"

But then it was a random person..? looking for someone ? wrong room ?

I don't know, but what the fuck! I was so scared as fuck for no reason!

Guess I'm sleeping with lights on again, tonight.

A Riddle That You (used to) Solve

Women hold power of choosing

To open the door

To not open the door

Men hold power of choosing

To start something

To not start something

Either men start first until women open the door

Or women open the door so the men will want to start

Though nowadays men won't start before the doors are open

I was told that many men stare with desire

Though as I bet, no one has the courage to start

As I am not an open door anymore

But you, you weren't afraid of a closed door.

You came to the door that you wanted -- knocked, and knocked, and kept knocking.

Hell, you banged the door (pun intended)

And I guess, I open the door for you cause you have the capacity of bearing all the things that were kept inside.

You kept banging cause you knew I needed it to be opened.

You knew how it was too full inside, that I needed to open the door to let some out.

You were there, you were always there.

One call away, you were always there.

I am still crushed, from losing what we had.

The inside jokes that were the silliest, yet we laughed to tears.

The debates about literally anything.

Sharing our shame and darkness and made them into our dirty little secret.

The exchanges of inputs and outputs.

Solving problems -- well mostly you solved my problems;

me asking random questions anytime of the day and night.

My weird complicated thoughts between the smokes, that you understood, surprisingly.

Your one-track mind that helped me sort out my tangled mind.

I'll carry our special bond throughout, day by day.

And I'll be a better person, I'll feel better, and I'll have my motivations back.

Poco a poco.

Even if I don't have a good memory like you elephant, geez, you're tattooed on my arm anyway.

Haha. It's funny. Just now I laughed, but then it's sad, and then I'm shedding tears.

I feel like I'm talking to you in person. Look how random and far my writing has gone.

Fuck, I'm gonna miss your presence in my day to day life.

I just really wish that one day, we can be super-friends again.

I'm not sure if there will ever be a way, but I really hope there will.

Oh and I knew that you're master of words, but goddamn your writings are crazy good. 

Makes me ashamed of my shallow writings. 

Okay I'm starting to speak nonsense and mumbles, so...

They might call you "bad", but to me you are good, great, amazing, -- super.

I hope these chapters with me don't add bitterness to your sweetness.

I wish you all the best luck, career, health, path, and happiness.

And I wish you find the one, that can match you, worthy of you.

I haven't prayed for 3 years but tonight I'll pray for you :)

"if you're sad, write", they said

my eyes were blurry

my mouth could not open

my hands were shaking

i was on my knees, begging

my mind was foggy

i'm stuck with the random flashes 

looping in the theater of my brain

i could not think of what i had to do

this was not in any how-to book

my consciousness was not in sync

the movement of my body was off-beat

i did say randomly during movies

i wanted to know what it's like

if guys exchange fists because of me

careful what you wish for, i guess

i can't wrap my head around what was the outcome you expected?

when you pulled out sharpness and aim throat

i wouldn't understand, i only know so much about your former skin

you wear firecracker suits

thick ones, making others too afraid to touch

but inside, i see a soft heart with hard shell

it's always there, behind your shadow

my walls are eloquent and pretty

covering all the darkness i carry

sugarcoated so i'm not bitter

just sprinkle pain with glitter

with tired eyes and trains of thought

silenced cry and dry mouth

no rhymes, no beautiful lines

i can only let out some raw minds.

one villain, two violent

i brought out the darkness in you both

violence, that i'm not familiar with

souls that don't blink with taste of death

hearts that know no fear, just wrath

i read and heard two sides

two powers that are capable to destroy

two plots of chaining and draining

two brains that scare me to creep

two, that make me sleep with one eye open

but you both brought out my darkness

by abandonment and by temptation

adrenaline that i had forgot

guilt that i want to forget

an addiction that had been asleep

a pattern that i inherit

records that i'm not proud of

guilt fills me left and right, dry and sappy

wondering if repair is still achievable

even if i couldn't make everyone happy

at least i shouldn't make everyone miserable

i saw his bruised and scraped knuckles 

left me wondered what stamps are on you

now us three are left with struggles

to forget, to forgive, and to heal through

my words are swallowed, by the tip of my throat

"are you okay?" i couldn't say

my confusions silenced, i wouldn't take the shot

you're better off, unhurt by love

he's left with disbelief

you're left with wounds 

i'm left, alone with guilt

i am the villain

with no place to shield

falling with no safety net

chugging anxiety cocktails

of worry, disappointment, fear, and regret

you both talked about cages and chains

but i'm the one chained in this cage

i should've stepped in in between

an attempt to stop the fight

i wish i had, might i had a chance

to accidentally be physically hurt

so i would've felt mentally better

and maybe realize that you both are villains too

between the guilt trip

hearts broken

wounds open

tables turned

and bridges burnt

if this is a curse

i want a cure

i no longer want to hold or be held

i just want to fly away and hold sway

if i have to choose between breaking or be broken

i would just be alone inside these walls

but again my heart is a rebel

it has the needs to explore and feel

i didn't plan to hurt some souls

i didn't plan to ruin in-betweens

as much as i'm cursed to be wanted till i'm known

i'm also set to put the good parts to be blown

i have a big heart that even the space can be shared

but sharing is not always caring

too much to feel could be so tough

and one day at a time doesn't feel enough

between the machine, the bad influence, and the walking contradiction 

i'm running around, chasing the dopamine to escape

but to you it was sanctuary, a high from the thigh 

an obsession to the eyes, a misguided data of affections

with the timeline of the giant

that my veins had to repaint

the softest hearts that i shattered

traumatic tears that you all shed

how surprising that you chose to stay

wasn't I made of an alcoholic whore clay?

between fight or flight i freeze

i break between scissors and fist

the moment of war and clash

i'm still shaking from the smash

i can hear my own heart beating to my ear

anxiety plays the drum and pumps the gear

if only i could rewind

i would've sticked to dine and wine

not because i'm full of regret

for the sake of keeping the chemistry great

it had to come to another good-bye gate

another ruin caused by my selfishness

next soul that isn't a mate

guilt is no better than loneliness

bait pahit

lagi-lagi jatuh lagi

jiwa dan pertahanan

di tengah pertarungan 

aku bukan tak ingin mensyukuri 

atau sekedar berhenti sebentar untuk mengucap terima kasih

aku selalu menghargai yang dimiliki

walau kadang tak duduk pas di hati

tapi kadang pertarungan yang tak kasat mata

hanya bisa disimpan saja

dibalik senyum dan tawa

ditulikan nyanyian gelas dan vodka

biasanya kamu yang tau

kala aku butuh waktu

untuk pecah dan luntur

buka kostum dan hancur

sekian kali aku cari namamu

ingin bercerita

tanya nasihatmu

dan dengar konyol mu yang buatku ceria

aku butuh lagi hadirmu

di sela tinggi yang merendah

aku rindu tenang yang keluar darimu

namun ku tau tempatku sudah entah

ku hapus lagi namamu

ku taruh lagi teleponku

aku tak lagi punya ruang di hatimu

tak ada aku lagi di nada dan bait

hanya tempatmu di hatiku

yang menyimpan rindu walau pahit

bawah ke atas, akhir ke awal

di malam yang dingin, ditemani hangatnya suara gelas-gelas bersentuhan

aku bertualang mencari percikan euforia

aku tau itu semu

dari semua ilusi akan ingatan yang memudar

kuambil satu demi satu

sampai hilang rasanya beban

seiring dengan hilangnya kuasa diri

di sela canda tawa

ada gejolak yang meronta ingin mendobrak keluar dari dalam benak

gelitikan dari dalam tubuh

yang menggoda mata, bibir, dan tanganku

lucu, ku kira bukan ancaman

saat rambut menarik kepala hingga hadap melihat langit

jalur udara ditahan genggaman

aku dirasuki gairah yang mematikan akal sehat

layaknya seorang yang gelap mata

seperti binatang yang lapar dan berburu

fokus, haus, dan tak kenal moral

entah memang nikmat dunia

atau hanya aliran adrenalin kesalahan

walau tubuhku merasa lega

sesal merayap dari hati ke seluruh aliran darah

sebuah siklus, yang tak henti menghantuiku

dari akhir, kembali ke awal

rindu

aku rindu perasaan itu

dimana hati menggebu

saat senyum terlepas lebar

perasaan penuh, dan lega

aku berpikir untuk tidak menjadi mereka

berjuang keras untuk jadi berbeda

nyatanya, aku belum lepas dari adiksi

akan adrenalin baru atau rumit

hilang, lagi

arah kemana dengan siapa

apa yang aku tuju

andai ada kompas tuk jawab

tak senang

tak sedih

namun tak tenang

apa salah dari diri 

selalu mencoba untuk sempurna

dan kecewa setiap jatuh

kadang aku lamunkan

apakah ini tentang dia?

yang selalu punya sudut ruang di hati

yang selalu ingin aku ceritakan

walau sudah banyak yang lewat

karena bukan lagi tempatku untuk didengar

atau ini tentangnya?

yang terlihat sempurna

apa lagi yang ku cari?

bodohkah aku untuk merasa bukan

mungkin justru tentangnya

yang selalu ada di sisi

memberi cinta dalam diam

tanpa mengharap balas

atau

ini hanya tentang aku

yang rindu pada suatu yang tak bisa digapai

yang rindu pada suatu yang tak ada

yang tak tau apa yang dirindu

aku

yang tak tau cara sembuh

dari sakit yang tak ada

yang selalu ingin jadi terkuat

walau hanya cangkang saja

aku

aku ingin merasa penuh. cukup.

bahagia.

dua garis lurus

jauh, dekat, jiwanya hadir

sudah dicoba, tapi bukan

rindu, tanpa romantika

tak lebih dan tak kurang

semacam sedarah

pun tak sama

sering aku bertanya

walau hanya di kepala

apa yang kau rasa?

apalagi ku miliknya

penuh percaya, aman dan nyaman

tapi tanpa getaran

ingin bersama, tanpa sentuhan

entah iba, atau se-pikiran

tak mau denganmu

tapi tak mau hilangmu

selamanya, dua garis lurus

nyanyian ulang tahun

ruang itu datang lagi

memanggil namamu dalam hati

hanya tak ingin melampaui

mencoba menghargai yang di sisi

jika bisa, aku ingin meminta maafmu

aku tak bisa di sampingmu

saat malaikat-malaikat pergi

dan kamu bersedih hati

ku tahu ada dia mendukungmu

di saat aku tak lagi bisa

tapi apa daya rindu

jika hanya disimpan saja

mungkin ini sementara

ketika hilang entah kemana

hanya kamu yang aku tuju

tapi tak adil untukmu

kamu selalu di sudut itu

tak kemana namun tak sama

kamu dengannya aku dengan dia

untuk sebaiknya, supaya terjaga

untungnya suaramu dapat ku gapai

pertolongan kecil untuk hasrat ini

andai kau tau betapa bangganya aku

bisa menjadi bagian nada baitmu