Midnight Sighs

When it hits

It’s after that blood

When you’re most attractive 

Most productive

But also wildest

You can’t contain it

So you touch it yourself

The spot, the forbidden

The delight, the hidden

And you can’t help

But playing the scenes

Of the best, hottest 

You put your palm on the bare

Block your own airway

Cause no one’s doing it

Pinch and twist

Curve it up

Turn on the purple machine

And yet you let it aside

You turn around and let nature searches

With memories and flashes

And then you just stopped 

Without release

As you got icked by your own

Lost of feelings and butterflies

As you remember your shame more than the pleasure 

And you slide it away

And lock your screen

With a heavy sigh and tasks on your desk.

Mirror mirror on the wall

I don't know how to put it in words beautifully or poetically.

But I am very very exhausted.

I feel like you are sick of me.

Maybe you just couldn't forgive and forget.

Or just cannot move on past something that we never talk about.

You always shut down everytime a problem comes, and I cannot handle this anymore.

Anything I express, you reply with anger.

I really feel like I cannot express at all if something is uncomfortable for me.

If I don't like something = I am not grateful.

I am grateful, so grateful with everything you did to me, and for me.

But you cannot fix problems with cooking for me, buying me things, or take me on a trip.

I just ask for a good communication, without anger nor sarcasms intending to hurt.

How can I try to fix things when your response is "I don't care" or "I don't give a fuck" or "you can do whatever fuck you want"?

Your response towards problem is always anger and closed off.

You told me I don't seem like I love you like before, but you are the one pushing me away.

With your anger, your mean words towards my family/friends, and you cutting my sentence with swearing words.

I cannot absorb all this pain anymore. 

I am a mirror, I am not a cotton.

I can only absorb so much before I reflect it back.

And when you give me so much anger and negativity and hate, you cannot expect me to always give you positivity, patience, and compassion.

Any relationship needs compromise, but I tried my best to beg you to see other point of view.

I asked you many times to understand that not everything has to be your way.

But you always think that I want to do it only my way, and I am not grateful.

I bend so much to your side, but you never see it.

It's getting too hurtful to bear.

Maybe we are just not meant for each other.

We want different things.

We see things from total different point of view.

We do things separate way.

So I think we just postponing and too scared to break up.

But deep down, we both know, we are not for each other for the long run.

in the falling air

whether it is a joke or the truth

again i don't know what to do

you told me you wanted it

you held me for 3 years

i believed in you

i believed you'd one day change

but the truth is you still don't believe in marriage

in having little you and little me in our lives

you said you did not want to waste my time

but then i have to decide

i know i have been pushing it aside

but deep down i know

i know, you are not the one

we want different things

in different paths

my point of view is a stranger to you

and you came back to your cycle

i want to be understood

i want to feel wanted

i want to have things without asking

but after three years, 

you still don't know my size

you still don't know my style

you still have not conquer my mind

you still do my pet peeves

and you don't relate with my feelings

it's not just the big things

like marriage and children

it's also the small things

things that i no longer ask

cause you taught me how to be stale

and now i'm stuck in the floating space

just fine, but also not fine

when i'm depressed, i try to collect the pieces of myself

and be awesome, even if you can see it through my messy room

but when you're depressed, you have to depress me too

this had me realized.

my past relationships that felt fun, cool, and couple goals

it's not about whom i was with

it was me

i carried the conversation, the image, the jokes

i carried the apologies, the fun ideas, the problem solving

i carried the relationships.

and i'm exhausted.

i always knew i never had a safety net.

but for once, i want to be carried.

even in the beginning it felt like you could actually carry me.

but really emotionally i am the bigger athlete.

and so i'm stuck

i am stuck in the fall

i am falling indefinitely

i have not hit the ground

as i'm not sure i have the privilege to start again

it almost sounded like i need someone to save me

but i will find a way to get out of the air 

and put my feet in solid ground

A Secretly Cursed Day

Just one day after my honored achievement podcast

It was a day that was supposedly dedicated to the community

Myself, as already claimed industry oriented, couldn’t pass

I could’ve not come, but either way I’d feel guilty

And so I came, along with other ambassadors 

Facing smiles and high fives, hazing myself with alcohol in glasses

Pretending not to notice those eyes of closed doors

Dissociated, couldn’t catch my breath as if it’s running its own courses

I was so scared of creating a scene out of my private tub

And so I kept my distance from everyone somehow

In what happened between the castle and the pub

I forgot about the hell, one that broke me and haunted me until now

I don’t think about it, but I still remember the scare

The abuse, the manipulation, the hate and degrading

I didn’t lie when I said I no longer care

But when I lost myself, it brought back the scariest thing

So yeah, when I had to act all smiley and bubbly

In the middle of sharp eyes of the castle, the pub, and the hell

My anxiety spiked a little too much, a bit uncontrollably 

In a way still hoping I get it together so no one can tell

And so maybe, my brain found a way to be more tipsy than it should be

Just so my soul can run away, even when I’m stuck physically

The day ended with an ache on my head

And with no tasks nor responsibility ended