i remember 10 years ago, when i was finally legal for the cigarette.
it was simple; only love story and friendships duet.
i remember how i couldn't wait to be legal, to be 21.
i just wanted to do and go wherever, whenever i want.
now that i am closer to 30,
it's weird how hard it is to find what's worthy.
what feelings are real,
what thoughts are surreal.
not to be ungrateful lil bish,
but like the lyrics from billie eilish,
things i once enjoyed,
just keep me employed.
waking up everyday struggling to feel satisfied.
pinning little agendas to keep me alive.
not knowing whether or not i succeed,
it's just another day to survive.
deciding the next 5 days isn't as easy as it was to make a 5 year plan.
finding someone isn't as simple as it was in high school.
all the traumas from the past that cripple to your skin,
every time you try something out or just let down your wall.
feeling guilty to those who admire and love you.
knowing you won't be able to repay the kindness.
feeling sorry for liking the ones who are bad for you.
knowing you won't be able to avoid the mess.
it used to be easy like breathing.
you didn't need to try, happened naturally.
now i'm stuck and i just keep looping.
always asking if i ever did it correctly.
