I Lied Under The Influence

I lied under the influence 

“I’m fine”, even to myself

I sip more of the blurred glance

I’m gone, from the mixed shelf

I’ve told everyone I’m complete 

And boys are just a cherry on top

But when I got home I compete

With time, with pleasure, non-stop

My ex hugged me goodbye and said “stay happy”

10 years, and I accidentally remember what he drinks

I hate the way that I still obey

It’s probably the alcohol, I think

I started talking again with my best friend

It was a little awkward, at least for me

Everyone’s drunk at the end

He checked if I’m okay before he flee

I lied under the influence

I’ve told everyone I’m complete 

Truth is when they left and I was drinking alone

I came back to the same old dark tangles of thoughts

raise fund, raise everything

I took my midnight shower as usual, and my mind started laughing at me. 

How awkward my situation is... that we kind of broke up, but still live under the same roof. I guess it's just counting to the days that the rent ends. But now i'm stressed about the housing situation. I hope Upay will say yes to sharing this house. Now i like this house and area, i don't want to move again. I'm so fucking tired of pack-unpack bullshit. Oh well, that's one thing. Remember my mind is always playing minimal 3 tracks at the same time. Ha.

So another thing is, I'm currently a part of the committee of this fundraiser that involves multiple communities and a lot of bar people. Anyhow, i went to the first meeting, super late, not knowing there would be a lot of people joining. So I just nervously said hi to everyone and just sat down near my friend and didn't look around the long table. Then we started talking and everything, and I realize my ex from 10 years ago was sitting in front of me. I have not seen him since 2020, in Mamaka, before I got trapped into that toxic asshole rollercoaster. But I did know that he got married and had kid.

Long story short, they want to make a structure and point out persons in charge of divisions. They then  pointed me to be the event coordinator, also representing the female community in the industry. Someone said "Oh it's going to be a hard job, let someone from (his male dominated community) help. And he pointed... my ex. Of course. I was so speechless I just make "disagree" face but didn't know what to say except "ehhhh". He was saying things like "Umm let me be the coordinator for equipments", and cause people keep agreeing it should be me and him, I just said out loud to him "Will you be ok with this?" Okay I didn't say that exactly but too hard to translate without mentioning names. After I asked that, 1 second of silence happened and then the came the laughters. Some of the guys brain finally started working and then they agree to change him to someone else. It was funny though. A bit awkward now that everyone knew he's my ex.

I mean, there's absolutely nothing left between us. But I just want to respect his wife, cause this is that kind of situation that the drama is very very avoidable. 

Then when he was going and high-five everyone to say bye, I said to him "Congratulations on being a father" with a friendly tone and face, and he just laughed and left.

After that, my friend started talking about it. I told her it was 10 years ago, but I remember he was actually very nice to me. He was super royal, always picked me up, never let me pay anything, and always one call away. We fought about principals though, and he gave me one embarrassing trauma too. We eventually split up because he was way too possessive when I moved to Ubud, and lowkey asking me to convert.

But yeah, I guess I'm in the next level stage of learning about my past and looking at it in a different perspective, now that I'm old and tired, ha. I meant.. wiser? I guess.

Oh, then adding to the mix, my cut-ties matching tattoo buddy (really G, buddy?) is also participating in the fundraiser. I'm just so thankful that my new-ex, not-so-ex, or whatever I don't know what to call him yet, is not coming tomorrow. One less problem. I hope everything goes well. I like to be useful.

Well, that's the end of tonight's rant. Tomorrow's the fundraiser day!

to be loved is to be known

16 years ago, I met someone, that later in life I realized, was my first love. 

Sure, he was funny, charismatic, a bit rebellious, good at sports and arts, and a total music genius. But I guess, the connection we had was beyond all that. He was there, the only one knowing my family’s problem, my trauma and my darkest mistakes.

Relationship aside, there were two particular moments that got him a special seat in my memory.

The first one, was that time after school, when we were planning to hang out at his place. We were in high school, and we were not rich kids, so we took the angkot. He went in first - not because he didn't know "ladies first" but that's just how safety works in public transportations. 

Anyway, he went in first, he stopped for a split second, and before I realized it, he was taking off his jacket and put it on the seat. Honestly, that would be the sweetest thing a guy has ever done to me. It's not a grand grand gesture, not an expensive gift nor a mission impossible. But he acknowledged my phobia -- fear of torn seats, even though it's weird. Hell, even all my friends think it's silly. 

Even more, he did not just acknowledge it, he did not undermine my weird fear nor just brush it away. Instead, he understood it, and did something about it, without saying anything, without asking for a recognition, he just did it. No minimizing, no keeping tolls. I still think it's the sweetest thing a boyfriend has ever did to me. Mind you, this was in high school. I think, that single moment had more emotional maturity than all of guys nowadays have altogether.

"To be loved is to be known"

***

The second one, when we were caught by the police on the side of the highway. It's silly. He was driving me home, and we were teenagers in love. So we were making out in his iconic blue car and we decided to stop by the shoulder. It went long so we moved to the back seat. Wait, I think I'm being too detailed. Ha. Long story short, someone suddenly knocked on the door and guess what? It was the police. I panicked and started crying. There were two police officers, so one took him in police car, and another officer was driving me in his blue car.

They took us around, and around, stop after stops. They separated us and I was so worried about him. I could not think clearly. Honestly, in my head I was already thinking about how my life would be staying in jail for some time and getting kicked out of school. 

So after each stop, the officer came back and took us to another stop. I think they tried to talk to him on every stop. I was begging at the officer to let us go, to take the "nice way" out; but I was crying my eyes out so obviously I was not convincing enough. 

Well, then came one other stop. I was left alone in the car again. Then I heard the door opening, and I thought "God, where to next?". But I turned my head to the right and I saw him coming in. I was so relieved and kept asking him what happened. He remained so calm and just said "let's get you home". But I insisted on asking what did he do to make them let us go, and he just pointed at his wrist. He gave up his watch, that was from his dad, to save us. During all the things happening, he was so calm. I don't know what would happen if it wasn't him I was with. He was always the calm to my storm.

⛈️⛈️⛈️

And I know I said two, but here’s a bonus. He also never missed my dance performances. Every single one he attended even when we were in a fight. Even when he knows I'd perform the same routine, or given the fact that he doesn't dance nor interested in it. He knew dance was important for me and he did not minimize it because it's not for him.

He treated me right, and I didn't know it.

***

Looking back, I didn’t regret it cause he’s not mine today. I know that we are not compatible as a couple for the long run, and we've grown apart. Our lives have different paths and principals. We aim for different things in different ways. So I know that it makes more sense that we're friends instead of  a couple. So, no, I don’t regret it because I want him back. 

I regretted it because I took everything for granted, and I was… stupid and curious and wild, and I didn’t process my trauma. Still, I regret hurting him. I regret being an ass. And I mostly regret that I ruined our friendship. 

Obviously, I'm not in love with him anymore. Instead, it's eye-opening to actually understand how it was being loved, and not to chase breadcrumbs from boys with minimum efforts. 

But hey, I'm truly happy to see him getting all his good karma paid.

He’s now with a girl who’s always there for him in almost every show. Someone who’s friends with all his friends. Who recorded, took pictures of him. A calm one, not too rebel nor revealing. A total sweetheart that he deserves. His career is growing, and the world got to see his talents. I truly hope he got all the best things in life that he aim for, and beyond.

And I hope, one day I'd find someone who's not only compatible with me, but can also love me the way I want to be loved. 

midnight at 2am

i wonder why i always sleep so late when i'm alone.

i thought it was fear of being alone, or it's just an endless dopamine chase

but no matter what i plan, i always end up stay up all night

then i heard that midnight is 2am for those who are depressed

well, aren't we all?

but i think, at this time, when everyone's asleep, is when i find my peace

not necessaryli my best time of the day, but a 'place' where no one asks anything of me.

not a single expectation other than my brain telling me to take a rest

i can be myself, vulnerable, and enjoy really go through my loneliness.

a letter to housemate

for one split second, when we saw into each other eyes

i almost forgot where we're at

from those tired hazel-blue eyes, came a flashback

a person whom i fell in love with three years ago

a person who was into me and really interested in what i said

someone who radiated positive vibes and made silly jokes

who understood people deeply, and not easily grumpy

a very tall person that liked to swing me around when i arrived

you used to pull out my feminine energy

somehow i let my guard down, felt safe and relaxed around you

you made me felt liberated, respected, cherished.

even suddenly i wanted to wear floral dresses and heels

i reconsidered about my view on marriage.

because i met you.

so how did we end up here?

conversations became fights

life updates became tasks

dates became silence on the sofa

i don't feel wanted anymore

you stopped making me feel like a goddess

you stopped being the safe place you once were.

and all the things you said, ones you said you didn't mean

all the things you did, ones you said you wouldn't do 

they live free in my head, building piles of disappointment

one by one, layer by layer, they strip away my love for us

slowly, i'm fading away...

somewhere along the way, we have no mutual interests.

we view every single thing with disagreements

a simple conflict became a political debate

and our culture gap is now even further from closing up

the luxury feels like a glorified jail

the dog became a bargaining chip

and the house in where we supposed to live in harmony

became tolls of contributions

from the room next door, i'm writing my heart loud

i miss you, but no longer like that

we tried again, but it did not work out

we realize, we're growing apart

and so we know, there's only one thing left to do.

dari dalam

langkah demi langkah aku memaksa

bertambah senyuman yang tak ada makna

entah apa lagi, atau masih hampa

semakin sepi, semakin gila

tak lagi ada tempat untuk pulang

yang ku kira selamanya sudah tinggal poster

tempat ku singgah pun ikut hilang

di mana aku bisa melepas armor tanpa filter

sejenak, ku pikir aku berhasil menggantikan mereka

mengganti sekitar dengan teman-teman sejenis

tapi apa daya, menjadi perempuan adalah manajemen neraka

berperang hormon dan pengorbanan yang sadis

satu mengandung, satu berkelut dengan pasangan

satu menjadi ibu, lainnya berbeda hobi

bisnis terhambat, berkorban pertemanan

yang lain terpisah jarak, sisanya menjauh hati

ah, mungkin memang harusnya sendiri

sejak lahir dan tumbuh, pun sama

apakah teguran untuk aku berhenti

mencari tenang dan puas dari luar saja

Chapter Three: The Brother Issue

Daddy issues, mommy issues, absent parents.

Siblings bullying, bad parenting.

You've seen them all in movies.

But what if, you had it all but also didn't have them all at the same time?

Like you've had present parents, but not beneath the skin.

You did not experience siblings' comparison or bullying, cause you did not have any.

You did not grieve the grand parents loss cause you never experienced any of their affection.

And every time you see others... you feel jealous, envy.

She longs for a presence of family member other than her parents.

Her number one dream? An older brother.

A figure that can love her, protect her, understand her, unconditionally.

A fight between siblings, a pact against the parents.

A relationship that looks silly on the outside, and yet bonded forever on the inside.

Little moments, like having a crush on the brother's best friend.

Sneaked out and getting smacked on the head by the older brother.

Someone to protect you from the naughty seniors at school.

I don't know, things in the movies.

The thing is, this has become an unhealthy obsession of her.

Funny thing, she has a lot of male cousins in the bigger family.

But no one is close enough, understanding enough, and present enough.

So then... she casually, and gradually "collects" older brother from the outside world.

And of course all of them backfires.

No one understood her intentions.

Instead, it became something like grooming - or even worse, harassment.

Sometimes it ends up with the guys crashing on her and then they ruin the friendship.

Or worse, they take advantage of her body.

She fell again and again on this pattern, she can no longer differentiate intentions and risks.

Sounds stupid, doesn't it?

Well now, she changed her whole circle. 

Most of the friends that she still hangs out with are now girls.

Not the same, of course.

Sometimes she wonders if her loneliness is the reason she built the whole girls community.

Doing a lot of things at the same time, keeping herself busy.

Now mostly she goes places alone.

She's trying to make peace with herself, that the brother issue needs to touch ground.

That it will forever be in her dream only.