the maximum level of love

there are a lot of ways to define love

is it the chemistry and connection?

is it the desire to own them?

is it the attachment to the other half?

how do you even know when it's present?

do you just... know?

or do you ask yourselves some questions and examine facts?

what i knew is saying "i love you" is heavy in two ways.

the first one, it's because you feel butterflies deep inside you.

and the other one, because it no longer comes from inside of you.

and we all know that usually the second one comes after.

what i had learned is that it also comes in many forms

there's one that live with each other flat,

the one that is more comfort or used to

one that is responsible for what they chose

like how my parents care about each other's meal

takes care of each other's health

but no "i love you", no sleeping together, no affection

they are just.... co-living?

but...

there's also one that doesn't scream ownership

an end stage where you can sincerely let go

a longing feeling that sits still without jealousy

memory recalls with wiser judgements

proudness under the surface, with supports behind the visible

a realization

that we connect on a deeper level

yet will never meet on the same track

two life lines that go further away from each other

but in our souls, the warmth remains.

Chapter Two: The Only Child

A lot of stories, movies, forums, you name it.

They talk about the prejudice of being the last child.

The golden kid, the spoiled ones, and so on.

Then the strongest victim, the first born.

The one forced to be responsible, early maturity, and others.

After that, comes the highlight to the forgotten one, middle child.

The stigma of forgotten sandwich, the invisible one, and so they said.

Whatever it is, she's always jealous of them.

And also confused... What about the only child?

No one talks about it, other than the benefit of having everything for herself.

But no one talks about how lonely it is.

To carry all the spotlight, good and bad.

To keep the family secret alone, with no siblings to badmouth with.

To cry alone in the room, while trying hard to not hear her parents' fight.

No one talks about the weight of carrying family's expectations alone.

The heaviness of moving away, leaving her parents in the empty house.

At the same time relieved that she doesn't have to witness the fights anymore.

But growing up lonely, as in used to do and handle everything alone, doesn't make her an introvert.

Surely, sometimes she's tired of the crowd. But she also prefers a little company than alone alone.

Sometimes, she wonders if she becomes needy to others, and on the bad days, feeling like everyone lowkey avoid her, or even hates her.

It's an unexplainable pressure, and loneliness.

The loneliness also comes from the distance to her parents.

Not physically, but mentally. 

On paper they look like they're close to each other, but in reality, it's on surface level only.

She never once share deeper feelings, problems, or her depression.

She always perform in front of her parents and family, that she's alright.

Maybe that's why, when she finds someone that she can share her inner world with, sometimes she got too attached. Or even ruin it without even realizing it -- but it's for another story.

All those combined, she never felt like she has a safety net.

Economically, mentally.

If she doesn't make money, she doesn't have a place to fall.

How? Her parents now need her help financially.

If she breaks, she doesn't have a place to fall.

How? Her parents don't know the ups and downs in her life.

And maybe, some quirky traumas grow inside of her -- but it's also for another story.

Now she just wants to stop trying to get loose from the loneliness inside of her.

Instead, she tries to embrace it, not fight it, and endure her loneliness as a rest day.

Chapter One: The Childhood Trauma

She wonders day and night, about random political or scientific matters.

That's just how she's built. At least what she lets the world know what she's thinking.

On the other side there's a whole other page about things that she kept it to herself.

She grew up with loving parents, always enough food on the table, nice house to live in.

School was never a problem, nor friendship or relationships.

So what could she complain about?

On the other hand, she grew up with heavy expectations on her shoulders.

When she got the second best in the class, her mom would've asked "who's the number 1?".

When she did not get an A in science, her father jokingly refused to sign the report card.

It's not the worst, though. She's even a little thankful for those pushes.

What icks her sometimes is the way her parents pushed her to act cute and the typical perfect girl, with the families, or the bosses;

so that she can get presents, or pocket money, or praises for the parents.

She knows they didn't mean it like that. It was out of love.

But then, she found out that their parents in fact are far from perfect.

She would find pictures or calls from a young girl on her father's computer.

And just when she started to silently hate her father's doing, he went broke.

When she grew up she realized how poorly her parents planned their life when they had everything.

Then she found out that her mom was even worse. 

Having boyfriend after boyfriend, without even hiding it from her.

Even taking her on a trip, or asking her to call the boyfriend "daddy".

Oh she was also taught how to act sad, scared, or surprised - for the benefit of us, she said.

Despite how this is written, no - she doesn't hate her parents at all. 

She believes that parenting is not easy, and it was never their intention to make her "suffer".

Some days, she promised herself not to grow up like their parents.

Some other days, she just cried to sleep -- or out with a male figure. 

But that's for another story.

Recently, she watched a documentary about crimes and so on.

What caught her was the commentary from the psychological point of view.

People deal with their childhood trauma in different ways.

Some of them do with reliving the trauma, but this time they try to regain control and kind of change the narrative.

So instead of being the victim, now they become the bad guy.

She couldn't say that she did not relate, but also she didn't want to make an excuse.

Just a thought though, the way she was, maybe it was it?

She used to be in a relationships, in which she was always the one cheating.

Not intentionally, but when things went south, she just kind of did it.

She hated herself for it, but could not resist for some reasons.

It kept happening, even with her first true love.

She thought she was just looking for something that is missing.

But now she's seeing it from a different perspective.

Could it really be reliving the childhood trauma?

It was almost like an addiction, and she kept relapsing.

At least until she met her turning point.