A Hard Way of Learning Life

I'm taking a minute to pause, and pour this moment of mixed events on this page of thoughts.

These past months have been probably the hardest time of my life; but so other people's life, I know.

I don't wanna brag about how miserable my position is at the moment, really.

I realize I'm still way more fortunate than other people out there.

But like one of my bestfriends said to me, "you don't need to be the most miserable to feel miserable."

And yeah, I'm actually crumbling down right now, but I'm proud of myself.

I'm proud of how I can keep myself together and not lose my shit out there.

Even when I'm feeling at the lowest, I can still think about other people and I'm proud of that.

Firstly, I am still broken and madly depressed about my past relationship with him.

Fuck, God knows how much I wish I could un-love this person, and just move on without the thoughts of him.

But also, I know that accepting the fact that I genuinely love a person that isn't right for my life - is one step towards the next level of maturity in life.

So yeah, "poco a poco", they said. I'll move on in a very slow tempo, one step at a time, accepting reality and throw away the illusion of people changing for good.

Maybe, just maybe, the universe has its own way to tell me that this person will never ever change.

I found out that he's already in this pattern of dating games since 2014. And I don't know if it's even started before that.

I also found out that I'm not even more special to him than his exes before me. 

He could do the same shit to his exes that he loved more, he gave time and effort more, even he showed off to public more.

So why would he change for me? Bullshit.

I don't wanna be just another chapter of chicks of your goddamn book.

I believe I deserve more.

Now, I just need to be strict to myself, and let him go from my life.

I don't regret anything, I know everything happens for a reason, and this rollercoaster will bring the better out of me.

I might not be able to un-love him, but sooner or later, I will be able to live my life without him, and love myself more.

My second fireball is this financial situation. I was rising, even if it's not that rapid, but I was able to take care of myself, my family, even sometimes my staffs.

Now I feel like I'm back at ground zero. 

I can't help my parents. I even added my father's debt out of my clumsiness.

Set aside my wish lists, I can't even buy myself a proper food.

Yesterday I cried when I ate.

I only have 50k for the whole week before payday.

So I couldn't take my finished laundry. 

I couldn't buy myself food that my friend's selling.

I bought myself 5000k rice and ate it with beef floss with chili sachet.

The next day I ate instant noodle that my company gave for free with an egg that I stole from my workplace.

Fuck I felt so worthless for a second.

Now it's Tuesday and I still have to wait till Friday for payday.

I only have 20k left. 

You know I slightly laughed as I'm writing this down, haha.

Cause I believe for sure this will be a moment to remember, a moment to remind me to be more grateful.

Someday it will be a story to tell and to laugh to.

However, it still weighs a lot on my shoulder about my father's debt. 

I really don't know how to help.

Am I too selfish because I'm not taking other job that pays better just because I don't want to?

Am I too selfish to prioritize my passion and career path instead of my family needs?

I'm just trying to survive. To be happy. Which are two things that sounds so simple, yet now it feels so hard.

Last one is my health, both physically and mentally.

I know this is probably an effect of the stress given by two things above.

But yeah, physically I'm not as fit as my usual. 

I have a lump on my upper thigh that honestly freak the shit out of me.

I've been trying to cure this since January. 

Mentally, I'm honestly depressed. I really don't want to exaggerate things but I do constantly get anxious.

I even feel now I got separation and social anxiety.

I keep myself isolated and I don't feel like talking to / meeting people that I'm not really close with.

I can't open my heart yet for another guy, too.

I feel so broken and numb. I lost my confidence. 

I feel like I need loving, support, but also I know it has to come from myself.

I'm tired of little things. I don't get excited at things I used to like.

I realize I lost my glow. My skin is dull. My eyes are weary.

Despite all these, I know I am loved.

I have a lot of friends who really give a damn about me.

God gave me talents, intelligence, and a good heart.

I got beautiful parents that I want to take care of.

So yeah. Right now I'm surviving. Day by day. Do things one by one.

I believe it will all get better. 

I will feel better.

There will be a way and answers.

This might be a hard way of learning life, but it works.

And eventually, I will be that happy person again.

Reckless.

I'm sitting alone in the thought of mine

Staring blank at the stained white wall

Wondering how could you be so fine?

After we burn our plans and bury them all

Do you even know how hard it is?

To let go of someone you love so much

But I guess you don't know a love like this

More than just money, company, and touch

I wish I could be like you

Being so careless and everything's alright

No matter what things I did for you

You're just so reckless with my heart

God knows how much tears I shed

I cannot sleep, I cannot breathe

My days alone in this bed

I miss you but oh, the things you did

Why can't I just forget you?

After you break more than just my trust

I'm lost, don't know what to do

Crying my heart out, to move on without us.

"The Love Language of The Narcissist is Gaslighting" - Mystic Michaela

Logically, if I make you happy, if you love me and don’t wanna lose me, why bother others? I want a partner who can say no to pretty girls and proudly say “I’m with her”, if you can’t get to that level I don’t wanna waste my time and energy anymore. I tried everything. I stayed no matter what. Now I'm done.

This time 3am in the morning I found out that apparently, you are a narcissist. 

Seriously, you need some help.

Some articles about them:

A true narcissist is someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It’s a mental health condition characterized by:

- an inflated sense of importance

 - a deep need for excessive attention and admiration

- lack of empathy for others

- often having troubled relationships

What it boils down to, says licensed therapist Rebecca Weiler, LMHC, is selfishness at the (usually extreme) expense of others, plus the inability to consider others’ feelings at all.

11 signs of Narcissist Partner:

1. They were charming AF… at first

2. They hog the conversation, talking about how great they are

3. They feed off your compliments

4. They lack empathy

5. They don’t have any (or many) long-term friends

6. They pick on you constantly

7. They gaslight you

8. They dance around defining the relationship

    If your partner is exhibiting some of the other symptoms on this list and won’t commit, it’s likely a red flag.

    Some narcissists will expect you to treat them like they’re your partner so they can reap the intimate, emotional, and sexual benefits while also keeping an eye out for prospects who they deem superior.

    In fact, you may notice that your partner flirts with or looks at others in front of you, your family, or your friends.

9. They think they’re right about everything… and never apologize

10. They panic when you try to break up with them

11. … and when you show them you’re really done, they lash out

(source: Healthline: Am I Dating A Narcissist )*

*Better to read the entire article. So detail.

Narcissistic Pattern of Abuse:

1. Groom

    Also known as love bomb or hoover. Compliments, acts of service, feigning things in common, apparent kindness, apologies, promises to change, hypervigilant "positive" attention.

    In this phase, the victim thinks this is the true man she knows. His sense of she is under his control fuels his supply.

2. Devalue

    Undermining the victim's strengths. The victim is confused because her supposed "partner" is acting like her enemy.

    Often the abuser seeks additional supply from pornography, affair partners, flying monkeys, etc. They may also engage in addictive behaviors such as gaming, gambling, alcohol, drugs, sports, etc., which amount to abusive entitlements.

3. Discard

    Emotional and physical abandonment, abusive sexual consumption of women, including porn use or infidelity. These abusive acts are often blamed on the victim.

    In these phase the victim's pain fuels abuser's supply.

(source: Betrayal Trauma Recovery)

5 Common Gaslighting Tactics:

1. Gaslighters lie about things you know to be true.

2. They accuse you of the negative behaviors they engage in themselves.

3. They call you crazy, emotionally unbalanced, overthinking, or too sensitive.

4. They undermine you in subtle ways.

5. When you confront gaslighters about their behavior, they often deflect and distract.

(source: Psychology Today)

madly broken.

 you. are. never. going. to. change.

6 words that my head always says, but my heart never listens.

one week we were back together (not as couple but you know);

one day I snapped and didn't come to you (when I wrote the post before);

and you fuckin get another girl to your fuckin room.

just. freakin. one. day.

you really cannot stand being without a freakin chick can you???

last night we fought because you didn't wanna kiss me.

sounds ridiculous? 

I AM FUCKIN TIRED OF BEING PATHETIC.

it's obvious that I want you and I need you more than you want and need me.

yes, no one knows that now I slept in your room almost every freakin day.

cause, yes, I am embarrassed.

you treated me like shit. you talked shit about me to people.

I had to tell people how you treated me because JESUS CHRIST I FUCKIN STAYED BY YOUR SIDE.

and I look so dumb that I keep coming back to you.

people see me as a stupid pathetic fool.

I can keep all these to my heart, or at least just pour it here.

but you know, when I'm drunk it's like the filter is dead.

all the grudges I've been holding against you just explode.

I'm sorry but yes, I'm still fuckin broken. I'm still fuckin hurt.

at the same time I still fuckin love you and miss you.

I am torn, between needing you and hating you.

I am fuckin hurt whether I stay or I go.

well yes, as you said, it's been 2 months after we broke up and now we're on a different base.

but also yes, you haven't changed that much.

you said we're getting better together? 

are you fucking kidding me? i'm so mad to hear that honestly.

how is it better? 

you are fuckin addicted to girls. I just can't stand it.

and I will never be cool with that so better my ass.

you just can't never get it, how broken I am.

all my life I only truly loved one person and he was my highschool first love.

the first person to have a room in my heart after that guy is you.

a person that hurts me the most.

I just really really wish I could un-love you.

and someday you would be hurt as much as I'm hurt by you so you'd realize how bad you were.

I hope you'd learn it the hard way like I did and I hope I would find my love as soon as possible and you would regret losing me all your freakin life.

you broke me first.

Loneliest Love

Hi.

After these long roller-coaster of ours, and a conversation this night,

I feel like I need to write my heart out to you, quietly.

Right now I'm crying alone in my room, forgetting about other responsibilities and work I have.

Breaking down, feeling blue, wondering about you.

Honestly, I don't get why it is so hard for you.

I feel really content just to be with you. I'm proud to say you're my boy.

I never even care what people said to me; no matter how bad it sounds.

You know how far I'd go for you.

I did my best to be your ride or die, to understand you when no one can.

But everything that I do, it's just not enough from you.

You just can't feel grateful can you?

All I want is for you to be content with just me. 

To be that boyfriend whom every girl chase but always stick to me and say "that's my girl" proudly whether I'm around or not. 

You know, silly me. So many times I have this made up scenario in my mind, when you really wanna show off to the world that I am your girl. 

Like you show me off on your social media, to your friends, proudly.

Like how I always talk about you fondly to my friends.

Silly, am I not?

The naive piece of me keeps wishing you would change someday; that having one me would be enough for you.

After those rough paths we went through, we got close again and stupidly I hoped you've changed, or at least are changing.

But that one night, I saw everything. Your jar of hearts.

I really don't get it. Does having a long list of chicks really make you happy and fulfilled? 

I'm even back on dating apps just to justify your doings.

As much as I hate it, I truly love you. 

But loving you makes me feel so lonely and pathetic.

If only you could be content and grateful with me. I couldn't have asked for more.

But it's okay, you know. Maybe you are my karma and I have to learn the hard way through you.

I don't know what I should or would do right now, because whether I stay with you or run from you,

it will hurt me very bad either way.

I wish I could think and do things like you, really.

Breaking up doesn't affect your career, doesn't affect your relationships with your girls.

The worst part is, you can look me in the eyes, saying "I love you, G", kissing my forehead;

while you still "babe" other girls and throwing hopes here and there.

I wish someday, you'll realize.

Even if it's not with me, but at least you can see who you can become the way I always see you.

I always hope the best for you.

Good night.

I still fuckin love you, D.