takut.

dinding-dinding kau buat runtuh

waktu aku tak lagi tangguh

terbuka lemah dan rentan

tak sadar mengganggu pikiran

aku takut kamu sakit lagi

takkan ada maksud untuk mengulang

namun pada diriku pun aku benci

tak teratur, kacau, hilang

mungkin kau punya trauma dariku

dan tak adil aku punya darinya

bayangku tentang kamu yang baru

apa mungkin menyakiti juga?

bertanya-tanya dalam hati

benarkah perasaan ini?

inginkah kamu akan aku?

apa hanya habis pilihanmu?

kita jauh, kita tak punya waktu dan uang

hanya percaya yang memodali

tapi pikirku selalu curiga melayang

menyutradarai skenario sakit hati

lagi-lagi aku merasa tak secantik dulu

banyak yang lebih elok dipandang.

pudar lagi percayaku pada diri.

aku tak tau kau sedang tersenyum pada siapa.

kenangan baru

tak terlepas dari hayalku

bayang-bayang akan kenangan baru

bahagia yang sederhana

sederhana yang berusaha

aku tak paham

bagaimana bisa mudah

walau bertahun silam

dekat saja di dada

sentuhan bibir sembari melaju

rangkul kencang seperti dahulu

elusan rambut dan kepala

gairah yang dari cinta

rindu menggebu

aku takut sama

hanya lewat lagumu

ku berani menyapa

nyaman atau suasana?

kenyataan atau nostalgia?

perasaan yang kita rasa

mantan masih mesra

Stars and Dreams

good morning, sweetest dream.

i woke up with the singing of the sunbeam.

quite a headache from the alcohol,

yet a big smile on my recall.

i'm still not sure if it's reality.

or is it just my wild fantasy?

what did i do to get so lucky?

a rising star just fell onto me.

all these time admiring,

i didn't expect you to know i exist.

but when you were coming,

oh how could i resist?

all that happened, I keep it in my memory.

it's like falling into a good night dream.

you wake up from it and come back to reality.

it's a euphoric moment that quickly dim.

i still thank the universe,

for you are a rare experience.

and tho it's so very fast, 

you've once shaken my heart.

raga menyerah

kesedihan yang disembunyikan di tengah keramaian

akhirnya menampakkan diri pelan-pelan

walau satu dua saja yang mampu melihat

adanya tetap menganggu susunan yang padat

tangisnya pecah juga

walau masih dibungkus tawa

berubah semangatnya

ternyata tak sekuat kuda

ingin mengeluh tentang yang salah

pun rasanya tak tersurat

mau bertanya pada lelah

jawabnya hanya tersirat

memaksa, terpaksa, dan dipaksa

hanya raganya yang menyanggupi

jiwanya entah kemana

ingin lupakan lalu datang lagi

menyerahlahlah akhirnya

bukan karena tak lagi ingin

tak lagi setitik energi dapat membara

padam, dengan satu hembus angin

the lonely loner

there you go again.

you keep repeating the same cycle.

probably it's the trauma.

or maybe it's just you.

you close your heart.

and then feel alone.

after journeys and bad decisions, you decide to open up. again.

you let someone in. 

you stop the journeys for that person

hoping you'll find another adventure just with them.

and then. just when it's deep enough to hurt you.

you start to doubt everything.

you start to search for the negative signs.

you just want to find something is wrong.

you start to think all the possibilities it can go bad.

you're afraid to get attached; to be called clingy or needy.

in your mind, you make your own scenario of the worst;

how you're not the only one; how you've been lied to all these time.

"probably he has other 2 girls", "probably he actually has wife and kids"

all the worst possibilities.

like you're getting ready to get disappointed.

eventually, you start to think that you can't.

and then ask yourself, "should I just end this?"

or, "am I better alone?"

but you're afraid of feeling lonely.

and you are a caregiver. natural one.

you're anxious about something that you don't know real or unreal.

you doubt yourself. your decisions.

you're longing to be attached, but afraid to get hurt, or to hurt.

you are hopeless romantic.

you, are a lonely loner.