realizing in disguise

this one is for you, the one called "perfect pair"

though you don't get me and the weight i bear

you don't relate to my struggles and sacrifices

my traumas and wounds, fears and flinches

i did gave you hundreds

yet you wouldn't meet halfway

and then that i gave less

you demand what was given away

i am no saint, no pure nor innocent

but you stripped me unguarded 

even if words are not what you meant

you did take me for granted

i'm proud of myself for at least giving a crack

working, thriving, breaking down in between

but i keep finding myself back on track

realizing one dream at a time, seen or unseen

i have my way, on my complicated timeline

but no one can force my brain otherwise

sometimes it's full of missteps that are mine

what can i say? maybe i'm a devil in disguise

blue to desert

it's strange, it's blue

when people ask me about you

i pull fake smiles

and just say you're away miles

i finally bought it today

too bad you couldn't see

was quite impulsive, but still okay

another step towards a better me

it's still naked, reminded me of you

your phone, i meant, not you you (sorry)

at least i'm busy with a new toy to explore

still wishing you a night that doesn't bore

a dance with the journalist

past midnight, it's time to get ready for bed

but now, 2am conversations became bedtime stories

i type in "b" and it comes to your words shed

even if i can't be sure what episode i'm on this series

we were so close, yet we faced different directions

no coincidence, or maybe just avoidance

i know that it's for the best

no more surprises on my chest

the sensation of watching your words dancing

even my tears and smile are in sync

in another life you'd be a star writer

and maybe i'd join in one chapter

but I'm not sure how heavy is the weight

of what we were, what remains, or what stayed between us

is it heavier than one week of haunting thoughts?

for now, i'd close my door again so you can move forward with no fuss

Lights On.

God, just now, 1.35 AM, someone knocked on my door and my heart jumped.

It all flashes back of one week ago. Not the best feeling ever.

Fuck, I thought to myself, "what the fuck is going on now? what now??"

But then it was a random person..? looking for someone ? wrong room ?

I don't know, but what the fuck! I was so scared as fuck for no reason!

Guess I'm sleeping with lights on again, tonight.

A Riddle That You (used to) Solve

Women hold power of choosing

To open the door

To not open the door

Men hold power of choosing

To start something

To not start something

Either men start first until women open the door

Or women open the door so the men will want to start

Though nowadays men won't start before the doors are open

I was told that many men stare with desire

Though as I bet, no one has the courage to start

As I am not an open door anymore

But you, you weren't afraid of a closed door.

You came to the door that you wanted -- knocked, and knocked, and kept knocking.

Hell, you banged the door (pun intended)

And I guess, I open the door for you cause you have the capacity of bearing all the things that were kept inside.

You kept banging cause you knew I needed it to be opened.

You knew how it was too full inside, that I needed to open the door to let some out.

You were there, you were always there.

One call away, you were always there.

I am still crushed, from losing what we had.

The inside jokes that were the silliest, yet we laughed to tears.

The debates about literally anything.

Sharing our shame and darkness and made them into our dirty little secret.

The exchanges of inputs and outputs.

Solving problems -- well mostly you solved my problems;

me asking random questions anytime of the day and night.

My weird complicated thoughts between the smokes, that you understood, surprisingly.

Your one-track mind that helped me sort out my tangled mind.

I'll carry our special bond throughout, day by day.

And I'll be a better person, I'll feel better, and I'll have my motivations back.

Poco a poco.

Even if I don't have a good memory like you elephant, geez, you're tattooed on my arm anyway.

Haha. It's funny. Just now I laughed, but then it's sad, and then I'm shedding tears.

I feel like I'm talking to you in person. Look how random and far my writing has gone.

Fuck, I'm gonna miss your presence in my day to day life.

I just really wish that one day, we can be super-friends again.

I'm not sure if there will ever be a way, but I really hope there will.

Oh and I knew that you're master of words, but goddamn your writings are crazy good. 

Makes me ashamed of my shallow writings. 

Okay I'm starting to speak nonsense and mumbles, so...

They might call you "bad", but to me you are good, great, amazing, -- super.

I hope these chapters with me don't add bitterness to your sweetness.

I wish you all the best luck, career, health, path, and happiness.

And I wish you find the one, that can match you, worthy of you.

I haven't prayed for 3 years but tonight I'll pray for you :)

"if you're sad, write", they said

my eyes were blurry

my mouth could not open

my hands were shaking

i was on my knees, begging

my mind was foggy

i'm stuck with the random flashes 

looping in the theater of my brain

i could not think of what i had to do

this was not in any how-to book

my consciousness was not in sync

the movement of my body was off-beat

i did say randomly during movies

i wanted to know what it's like

if guys exchange fists because of me

careful what you wish for, i guess

i can't wrap my head around what was the outcome you expected?

when you pulled out sharpness and aim throat

i wouldn't understand, i only know so much about your former skin

you wear firecracker suits

thick ones, making others too afraid to touch

but inside, i see a soft heart with hard shell

it's always there, behind your shadow

my walls are eloquent and pretty

covering all the darkness i carry

sugarcoated so i'm not bitter

just sprinkle pain with glitter

with tired eyes and trains of thought

silenced cry and dry mouth

no rhymes, no beautiful lines

i can only let out some raw minds.

one villain, two violent

i brought out the darkness in you both

violence, that i'm not familiar with

souls that don't blink with taste of death

hearts that know no fear, just wrath

i read and heard two sides

two powers that are capable to destroy

two plots of chaining and draining

two brains that scare me to creep

two, that make me sleep with one eye open

but you both brought out my darkness

by abandonment and by temptation

adrenaline that i had forgot

guilt that i want to forget

an addiction that had been asleep

a pattern that i inherit

records that i'm not proud of

guilt fills me left and right, dry and sappy

wondering if repair is still achievable

even if i couldn't make everyone happy

at least i shouldn't make everyone miserable

i saw his bruised and scraped knuckles 

left me wondered what stamps are on you

now us three are left with struggles

to forget, to forgive, and to heal through

my words are swallowed, by the tip of my throat

"are you okay?" i couldn't say

my confusions silenced, i wouldn't take the shot

you're better off, unhurt by love

he's left with disbelief

you're left with wounds 

i'm left, alone with guilt

i am the villain

with no place to shield

falling with no safety net

chugging anxiety cocktails

of worry, disappointment, fear, and regret

you both talked about cages and chains

but i'm the one chained in this cage

i should've stepped in in between

an attempt to stop the fight

i wish i had, might i had a chance

to accidentally be physically hurt

so i would've felt mentally better

and maybe realize that you both are villains too

between the guilt trip

hearts broken

wounds open

tables turned

and bridges burnt

if this is a curse

i want a cure

i no longer want to hold or be held

i just want to fly away and hold sway

if i have to choose between breaking or be broken

i would just be alone inside these walls

but again my heart is a rebel

it has the needs to explore and feel

i didn't plan to hurt some souls

i didn't plan to ruin in-betweens

as much as i'm cursed to be wanted till i'm known

i'm also set to put the good parts to be blown

i have a big heart that even the space can be shared

but sharing is not always caring

too much to feel could be so tough

and one day at a time doesn't feel enough

between the machine, the bad influence, and the walking contradiction 

i'm running around, chasing the dopamine to escape

but to you it was sanctuary, a high from the thigh 

an obsession to the eyes, a misguided data of affections

with the timeline of the giant

that my veins had to repaint

the softest hearts that i shattered

traumatic tears that you all shed

how surprising that you chose to stay

wasn't I made of an alcoholic whore clay?

between fight or flight i freeze

i break between scissors and fist

the moment of war and clash

i'm still shaking from the smash

i can hear my own heart beating to my ear

anxiety plays the drum and pumps the gear

if only i could rewind

i would've sticked to dine and wine

not because i'm full of regret

for the sake of keeping the chemistry great

it had to come to another good-bye gate

another ruin caused by my selfishness

next soul that isn't a mate

guilt is no better than loneliness

bait pahit

lagi-lagi jatuh lagi

jiwa dan pertahanan

di tengah pertarungan 

aku bukan tak ingin mensyukuri 

atau sekedar berhenti sebentar untuk mengucap terima kasih

aku selalu menghargai yang dimiliki

walau kadang tak duduk pas di hati

tapi kadang pertarungan yang tak kasat mata

hanya bisa disimpan saja

dibalik senyum dan tawa

ditulikan nyanyian gelas dan vodka

biasanya kamu yang tau

kala aku butuh waktu

untuk pecah dan luntur

buka kostum dan hancur

sekian kali aku cari namamu

ingin bercerita

tanya nasihatmu

dan dengar konyol mu yang buatku ceria

aku butuh lagi hadirmu

di sela tinggi yang merendah

aku rindu tenang yang keluar darimu

namun ku tau tempatku sudah entah

ku hapus lagi namamu

ku taruh lagi teleponku

aku tak lagi punya ruang di hatimu

tak ada aku lagi di nada dan bait

hanya tempatmu di hatiku

yang menyimpan rindu walau pahit