3am Gojek Thoughts

 It’s just so funny 

How I think everything is okay

And the second after

 I realize it’s not

It’s not about something major you know

Like how my family can’t pay bills and all stuffs like that

But it’s the little moments in between regular life events

Where I felt weird, uncomfortable, and confronted

Where I feel half sober and half bare

Half self-restricted and half mad

It’s those little moments

Seconds, in between the girls talk

The shame no one knew

But suddenly in one night two-three more persons know

That split seconds 

I think of all of you

The camp, the pub, the castle 

All the struggles, sacrifices, and ghosts

Of all three

Am I actually still on a journey?

What the fuck is the end goal?

Cause, if when I’m in a crowd, I’m still lonely

And when I’m alone, I’m still drained

What is my fucking purpose?

What is the point?

Was I born to be alone

And lonely?

The Quiet 2AMs

One year after thirty and here I am again

Realizing I’m still scared to sleep alone

It’s not only the scary thought in the dark

But in the realization that my surroundings is turned off

The light is dimmed and I lay on my own

My mind goes wildly everywhere

Especially to deep, complex feelings, that I forget during the day.

Tears that drop voluntarily, carrying mysterious weight

Clumps of tissues, not knowing its roots 

Is it the changes in work that challenge my need to be labeled capable?

Is it realizing I have PTSD even from being broke?

Or is it the fact that besides not having a safety net financially, now the emotional is also officially gone?

My parents? Friends? Loneliness that is probably in my DNA?

Or maybe, just maybe

It’s the fact that I tried to play my guitar yesterday, for the first time after all these months

And just listened to “Sparks” during my night shower

In which I thought of writing something about ‘from matching tattoos to complete strangers’

Just before looking at the blueprint?

I mean what the fuck? 

…

I made my choice, typical over rare spice

Sounds cliché and yet very logical

I am hungry for two different highs

And I took the tangibles over natural 

Call me shallow, or even a materialist

But I like this sense of power and rises

Intimidating, and always on the list

Even if it includes questioning my life choices 

Convincing myself I am decent

Tattooing another reminder

That I shall live in the moment

And it will only get better

Growth?

Thirties are like twenties that you can afford, they said.

It’s the age between maturing and exploring.

A bit of more stable, a bit of still crazy.

But no one warned me about the loneliness.

Well I guess they did, about the smaller circle.

Quantity over quality, the selection of nature, and so on.

But why is it, the day that I’m always excited for, one that I never want to end - makes me feel sad and unfulfilled?

4 years ago I was surrounded by friends with benefits.

3 years ago I was working.

2 years ago was my farewell.

1 year ago I started my giving back tradition.

But this year it feels so empty, less joy and more regret of arranging my own celebration.

Some of my closest ones didn’t come.

The catering that was a help for a friend let me down.

Yes it was for a good cause that is near and dear to my heart. 

But what about me? It’s supposed to be my day.

I understand. People work, some have kids, some problems don’t wait, distance, money, there are more important things in this world, yada yada.

But can I be sad for going from six cakes and surprises on repeat, to ordering and picking up my own cake?

Can I be a little bit selfish on my day?