Lost & Found

I went away just to get lost all the time

And yet always ended up in a pile of troubles

Dive in the haze and chaos, to find the dime

Then tripping and falling over unrelated pebbles

I’d say I found you in a hopeless place 

Packaged with comfort, safe and sound

A tango of conversations that is hard to trace

A familiar foreign, an immediate bound

I’ve been craving for a mental reset

Didn’t know how to escape

Grabbing the wrong knob, all-in in wrong bet

Struggling to picture the bigger landscape 

You are the embodiment of my crave

To live at the moment, laughs, and light shoulders

A proof that my curse isn’t engraved

A hope for safety without having guardian soldiers

Mixed drinks met mixed feeling

A shot of fear, two shots of euphoria

Puff and pass, we were mingling

You understood my laughter in dystopia

From understanding my mistake 

To late night shenanigans

Didn’t think about what’s at stake

Two naughty nerds, holding hands

We’re both mischievous, a little menace

Instant ambush of butterflies, a risky dive

Sixteen hours and you could finish my sentence

Were we something in our past lives?

i break

So this is it. The day that I finally break.

I can't stop crying, I can't breathe, I know this is an attack 

and I don't know who do I run to?

I hate this feeling. I hate myself. I hate Lorenzo.

With Daniel, the crime is visible so people understand.

With Lorenzo, he's the one cool bule that blends with local.

He's the one boss that make conversations with securities and remember their names.

He's everyone's favorite, best boss, "papa" to the kids.

So when I say he's a manchild, everyone looks at me like I'm the villain.

Of course, I'm the party girl, remember?

I'm the 30+ year old woman who always changes partner.

I don't regret trying again and again, even when deep down I know we're not gonna work.

I think that's part of my quality. I stick to what I choose and I'll try until the last drop to keep it.

What I regret is that many times I let myself be hurt and acted like nothing happened because I put the peace and his ego above me.

He hurt me, a lot.

He gave me a cold shoulder one day after love bombing, just cause he knew I still followed Daniel on instagram.

Mind you it was for work and I don't have one tiniest atom desire to talk to that monster anyway.

When he wanted to end it right then, I should've said yes. I would've dodged so much pain afterwards.

Then I found out he flirted with half of the naked girls in K Club. Oh even slept with them.

He sent a text to that blond girl about that day when he ate her out, like what, 1 hour after I left his work place?

Then, there's his anger. Impatience. 

When I found out, he got so angry at, whoever told me. Like, hello? You should be angry at yourself.

Then the love bombs ended. Every date, I have to think where to go. What to eat.

He just disapproving everything." Oh, don't feel like eating this. But up to you what to eat."

It's fucking draining.

Then came the ex. The pretty little miss mexicana.

He made all the excuses that she's weak, she's depressed.

Well here's a fact, now I'm depressed to so maybe he's the problem.

They still video call and whatever when he's at work.

You know what bothers me more is the fact that they can talk for hours, and he always ends my call briefly.

He doesn't like me to tell stuffs via phone. Right.

I was so stupid. I should've ended it right there.

Then I met Gala when he had a gig in Bali. 

I told him about the things, and Gala being Gala, always so forgiving.

Always seeing things neutrally, and suddenly I was calmed down.

At that time, what separated me and Lorenzo was only my ego.

So I forgave him, again. Even if he sacrifices my sanity for miss mexicana's mental health.

That was my biggest mistake because then we got too involved with our future.

So we went to Australia, together.

What he always fail to realize is that he followed me there because he had no plan, and yet we went there on his terms, in his ways.

And I never felt so much disappointment.

I was struggling to adapt, and instead of being the only one that can support me, he shamed me.

He was guilt tripping me because I did not find a job yet and living on his money.

What he didn't realize was I was just following his plan, and when his plan did not work, he wanted to use his card before I made my own savings.

But somehow, it was all my fault because I couldn't find a job.

It was my first time living in a foreign country, and he made it my hell.

He was so short-fused, mad at me for asking about being uber driver.

Mad at me because I washed a bucket in his bathroom.

Mad at me because he wanted to go 50:50.

I hated it. One time I broke down and I was just ready to fly back to Bali.

Then he calmed down. And it's a pattern. He only calms down when I'm breaking down.

But things got better. I got a job etc. until he had other plans.

He didn't want to stay in Australia because he didn't have work visa and he blamed me for it.

He put it on me that because he wanted to be with me, he was willing to do shit job after doing all group manager positions.

I never held him back, but then he went to US & Europe and sold me this dream.

We were gonna move to Mexico, made a business and I'll lead the bar.

Oh then it fell apart. When it did, I got an interview at a very fancy casino in a rural area, so I could actually extend my second year visa without having to work in a farm.

I never told anyone about this because I was protecting him.

I always told everyone I was too scared to do farm work, and then suddenly I was over 30.

But then I made it. They liked me. All I need to do is to give them my starting date.

Then the European dream arrived. Angela in Spain. Near the beach, our own restaurant.

He was not sure, but he insisted I went home if we wanted to go to Korea, because he didn't wanna go in winter.

So after all, I turned down the offer at the casino. I resigned from all my jobs, and went back to Bali.

Only to find out that Mexico and Spain aren't happening. 

And back to ground zero, he doesn't know what to do with his life.

I was heart broken, but he gave me Korea trip. So... I have to be grateful, right?

So after Korea trip, we were thinking what we're gonna do.

He told me to get a job. I was not sure because I did not want to work for 2 months and then resigned. 

He didn't care. I did. My reputation that I built since 2016. I cared. I didn't realize back then how much he minimized my feelings. All the time.

He didn't even apologize about Australia. It was one time chance for my life.

So after a while, I decided I was open to job opportunities.

When I got a job that I liked, he was still upset because he didn't know what to do.

He couldn't get a job. He was stressed and always guilt-tripping me if I'm out with friends or just doing my hobbies.

So I decided since that moment that I'll stop following him around.

I told him I got a job that I like, so if he found an opportunity elsewhere, I was not going.

After awhile he got a job and things got a little better.

But not sexually. We had sex 3-4 times in 2024, year that we went to Vietnam, Australia & Korea.

Even that felt like he was doing it out of obligation.

When we came back to Bali, it got worse.

I thought about leaving several times, but honestly I don't know why I stayed.

Then came his sister.

They had a big fight in Gili because his sister was sleeping with his best friend.

Honestly, this was a turning point. This was the first moment that I felt I started to lose my love for him, little by little.

The way he handled the conflict, made me realize how emotionally immature he is.

And usually I'm inside that. Now that he was mad at his sister and his best friend, I could finally see it.

He just shut down, didn't wanna talk about it with anyone, and accused me of being in their side instead of him.

He was mad because apparently I supposed to support him as my boyfriend even though he was wrong.

So I spent the rest of the week bonding with his sister instead of with him because his sister came all the way from Europe to see him, only to be shut down completely and abandoned in a country she's not familiar with, at all.

Suddenly, because I had an event, he just talked to his sister like nothing happened.

This is also one of his habit that I hate the most.

Acting like nothing happened, avoiding the hard conversations.

He never understands the importance of an apology, explanations, and point of views.

Just shut down, and tomorrow it's gone.

After that, it just went downhill.

Fights after fights after fights after fights.

I realized though, we started fighting because now I didn't want to accommodate his ego anymore.

And once I stand on my different perspective, everything fell apart.

This time I chose myself. And when I did, we fight everytime.

Made me realize this separation is overdue.

Maybe deep down, when I did things with Joe, my subconscious mind was just trying to find an escape.

I meant he was always there for me since years ago, even when I was sad in Australia he was one call away.

But I don't have feelings for him like that though. I really just wish he was born my brother. But things happened and I'm accountable for it.

So anyway, I did escape though, even though very roughly. but.... I got back. I thought I was doing it for the peace. I thought I sacrificed myself to calm everyone down. But I was trapped even deeper.

Now that we separated, we sleep in different rooms, he still managed to hurt me with his other biggest red flag habit: saying things he didn't mean - or so he said.

"I can't wait to leave this house"

"You're just being alcoholic dumb"

then I didn't mean it.

Gosh, it's draining.

Also another thing is telling me "best life", just because I have a hobby, or a friend, or a fucking rest day.

When I said I'm tired, he's like "you cannot imagine how tired I am".

I said that I had 3 days of events non stop and he said "yeah that's everyday for me"

When I said "Okay you're the most tired person in the world, you're doing the hardest job than everybody else" then he answered with "I cannot say anything in this house. Can't wait to leave".

I hate how he gives his best version to everyone except me.

What I hate the most is the fact that after everything, he still doesn't understand how bad he hurt me, again and again.

I hate the fact that he only thinks I became mean and cold and fell out of love out of nowhere.

I hate the fact that he doesn't know how much I bend and tolerate him, how much I sacrifice for him, and he doesn't recognize every single hurting things he did to me.

I hate that he always thinks I'm seeing someone else, when all I've ever been was loyal to him and he was the one flirty with everyone.

Well except that one period of mistake with Joe, but that was out of frustration that I spoke to him 6 times about how I want our sex life back, and he didn't make a single effort. Instead blaming me for not initiating it or dress sexy??? So yeah I was sexually very frustrated and then I was so down and it happened.

But his flirty habits? again, and again, and again. But somehow I'm the one always suspected seeing someone else. Crazy.

And I'm waaaay pass explaining phase. He wouldn't listen or even try to understand. I have no more energy.

Be as it is. Whatever makes him sleep at night.

Today I break down. I did gym, I thought I was supposed to feel better. But I cried myself out on the way home. and as I reached home I started sobbing and couldn't stop that I had another anxiety attack. Cause I'm so sad, and now I have to think about where I have to move, now I have Spot. I have a lot to do today and I have so much work.

Upay canceled on sharing house with me. Now what? I can't spend a lot of money on this house alone, but where do I move?

I guess all the thoughts together what brought the attack. But turns out writing helps.

I know it's very unstructured but this is me. Raw. But now I'm calmed.

I Lied Under The Influence

I lied under the influence 

“I’m fine”, even to myself

I sip more of the blurred glance

I’m gone, from the mixed shelf

I’ve told everyone I’m complete 

And boys are just a cherry on top

But when I got home I compete

With time, with pleasure, non-stop

My ex hugged me goodbye and said “stay happy”

10 years, and I accidentally remember what he drinks

I hate the way that I still obey

It’s probably the alcohol, I think

I started talking again with my best friend

It was a little awkward, at least for me

Everyone’s drunk at the end

He checked if I’m okay before he flee

I lied under the influence

I’ve told everyone I’m complete 

Truth is when they left and I was drinking alone

I came back to the same old dark tangles of thoughts

raise fund, raise everything

I took my midnight shower as usual, and my mind started laughing at me. 

How awkward my situation is... that we kind of broke up, but still live under the same roof. I guess it's just counting to the days that the rent ends. But now i'm stressed about the housing situation. I hope Upay will say yes to sharing this house. Now i like this house and area, i don't want to move again. I'm so fucking tired of pack-unpack bullshit. Oh well, that's one thing. Remember my mind is always playing minimal 3 tracks at the same time. Ha.

So another thing is, I'm currently a part of the committee of this fundraiser that involves multiple communities and a lot of bar people. Anyhow, i went to the first meeting, super late, not knowing there would be a lot of people joining. So I just nervously said hi to everyone and just sat down near my friend and didn't look around the long table. Then we started talking and everything, and I realize my ex from 10 years ago was sitting in front of me. I have not seen him since 2020, in Mamaka, before I got trapped into that toxic asshole rollercoaster. But I did know that he got married and had kid.

Long story short, they want to make a structure and point out persons in charge of divisions. They then  pointed me to be the event coordinator, also representing the female community in the industry. Someone said "Oh it's going to be a hard job, let someone from (his male dominated community) help. And he pointed... my ex. Of course. I was so speechless I just make "disagree" face but didn't know what to say except "ehhhh". He was saying things like "Umm let me be the coordinator for equipments", and cause people keep agreeing it should be me and him, I just said out loud to him "Will you be ok with this?" Okay I didn't say that exactly but too hard to translate without mentioning names. After I asked that, 1 second of silence happened and then the came the laughters. Some of the guys brain finally started working and then they agree to change him to someone else. It was funny though. A bit awkward now that everyone knew he's my ex.

I mean, there's absolutely nothing left between us. But I just want to respect his wife, cause this is that kind of situation that the drama is very very avoidable. 

Then when he was going and high-five everyone to say bye, I said to him "Congratulations on being a father" with a friendly tone and face, and he just laughed and left.

After that, my friend started talking about it. I told her it was 10 years ago, but I remember he was actually very nice to me. He was super royal, always picked me up, never let me pay anything, and always one call away. We fought about principals though, and he gave me one embarrassing trauma too. We eventually split up because he was way too possessive when I moved to Ubud, and lowkey asking me to convert.

But yeah, I guess I'm in the next level stage of learning about my past and looking at it in a different perspective, now that I'm old and tired, ha. I meant.. wiser? I guess.

Oh, then adding to the mix, my cut-ties matching tattoo buddy (really G, buddy?) is also participating in the fundraiser. I'm just so thankful that my new-ex, not-so-ex, or whatever I don't know what to call him yet, is not coming tomorrow. One less problem. I hope everything goes well. I like to be useful.

Well, that's the end of tonight's rant. Tomorrow's the fundraiser day!

to be loved is to be known

16 years ago, I met someone, that later in life I realized, was my first love. 

Sure, he was funny, charismatic, a bit rebellious, good at sports and arts, and a total music genius. But I guess, the connection we had was beyond all that. He was there, the only one knowing my family’s problem, my trauma and my darkest mistakes.

Relationship aside, there were two particular moments that got him a special seat in my memory.

The first one, was that time after school, when we were planning to hang out at his place. We were in high school, and we were not rich kids, so we took the angkot. He went in first - not because he didn't know "ladies first" but that's just how safety works in public transportations. 

Anyway, he went in first, he stopped for a split second, and before I realized it, he was taking off his jacket and put it on the seat. Honestly, that would be the sweetest thing a guy has ever done to me. It's not a grand grand gesture, not an expensive gift nor a mission impossible. But he acknowledged my phobia -- fear of torn seats, even though it's weird. Hell, even all my friends think it's silly. 

Even more, he did not just acknowledge it, he did not undermine my weird fear nor just brush it away. Instead, he understood it, and did something about it, without saying anything, without asking for a recognition, he just did it. No minimizing, no keeping tolls. I still think it's the sweetest thing a boyfriend has ever did to me. Mind you, this was in high school. I think, that single moment had more emotional maturity than all of guys nowadays have altogether.

"To be loved is to be known"

***

The second one, when we were caught by the police on the side of the highway. It's silly. He was driving me home, and we were teenagers in love. So we were making out in his iconic blue car and we decided to stop by the shoulder. It went long so we moved to the back seat. Wait, I think I'm being too detailed. Ha. Long story short, someone suddenly knocked on the door and guess what? It was the police. I panicked and started crying. There were two police officers, so one took him in police car, and another officer was driving me in his blue car.

They took us around, and around, stop after stops. They separated us and I was so worried about him. I could not think clearly. Honestly, in my head I was already thinking about how my life would be staying in jail for some time and getting kicked out of school. 

So after each stop, the officer came back and took us to another stop. I think they tried to talk to him on every stop. I was begging at the officer to let us go, to take the "nice way" out; but I was crying my eyes out so obviously I was not convincing enough. 

Well, then came one other stop. I was left alone in the car again. Then I heard the door opening, and I thought "God, where to next?". But I turned my head to the right and I saw him coming in. I was so relieved and kept asking him what happened. He remained so calm and just said "let's get you home". But I insisted on asking what did he do to make them let us go, and he just pointed at his wrist. He gave up his watch, that was from his dad, to save us. During all the things happening, he was so calm. I don't know what would happen if it wasn't him I was with. He was always the calm to my storm.

⛈️⛈️⛈️

And I know I said two, but here’s a bonus. He also never missed my dance performances. Every single one he attended even when we were in a fight. Even when he knows I'd perform the same routine, or given the fact that he doesn't dance nor interested in it. He knew dance was important for me and he did not minimize it because it's not for him.

He treated me right, and I didn't know it.

***

Looking back, I didn’t regret it cause he’s not mine today. I know that we are not compatible as a couple for the long run, and we've grown apart. Our lives have different paths and principals. We aim for different things in different ways. So I know that it makes more sense that we're friends instead of  a couple. So, no, I don’t regret it because I want him back. 

I regretted it because I took everything for granted, and I was… stupid and curious and wild, and I didn’t process my trauma. Still, I regret hurting him. I regret being an ass. And I mostly regret that I ruined our friendship. 

Obviously, I'm not in love with him anymore. Instead, it's eye-opening to actually understand how it was being loved, and not to chase breadcrumbs from boys with minimum efforts. 

But hey, I'm truly happy to see him getting all his good karma paid.

He’s now with a girl who’s always there for him in almost every show. Someone who’s friends with all his friends. Who recorded, took pictures of him. A calm one, not too rebel nor revealing. A total sweetheart that he deserves. His career is growing, and the world got to see his talents. I truly hope he got all the best things in life that he aim for, and beyond.

And I hope, one day I'd find someone who's not only compatible with me, but can also love me the way I want to be loved. 

midnight at 2am

i wonder why i always sleep so late when i'm alone.

i thought it was fear of being alone, or it's just an endless dopamine chase

but no matter what i plan, i always end up stay up all night

then i heard that midnight is 2am for those who are depressed

well, aren't we all?

but i think, at this time, when everyone's asleep, is when i find my peace

not necessaryli my best time of the day, but a 'place' where no one asks anything of me.

not a single expectation other than my brain telling me to take a rest

i can be myself, vulnerable, and enjoy really go through my loneliness.

a letter to housemate

for one split second, when we saw into each other eyes

i almost forgot where we're at

from those tired hazel-blue eyes, came a flashback

a person whom i fell in love with three years ago

a person who was into me and really interested in what i said

someone who radiated positive vibes and made silly jokes

who understood people deeply, and not easily grumpy

a very tall person that liked to swing me around when i arrived

you used to pull out my feminine energy

somehow i let my guard down, felt safe and relaxed around you

you made me felt liberated, respected, cherished.

even suddenly i wanted to wear floral dresses and heels

i reconsidered about my view on marriage.

because i met you.

so how did we end up here?

conversations became fights

life updates became tasks

dates became silence on the sofa

i don't feel wanted anymore

you stopped making me feel like a goddess

you stopped being the safe place you once were.

and all the things you said, ones you said you didn't mean

all the things you did, ones you said you wouldn't do 

they live free in my head, building piles of disappointment

one by one, layer by layer, they strip away my love for us

slowly, i'm fading away...

somewhere along the way, we have no mutual interests.

we view every single thing with disagreements

a simple conflict became a political debate

and our culture gap is now even further from closing up

the luxury feels like a glorified jail

the dog became a bargaining chip

and the house in where we supposed to live in harmony

became tolls of contributions

from the room next door, i'm writing my heart loud

i miss you, but no longer like that

we tried again, but it did not work out

we realize, we're growing apart

and so we know, there's only one thing left to do.

dari dalam

langkah demi langkah aku memaksa

bertambah senyuman yang tak ada makna

entah apa lagi, atau masih hampa

semakin sepi, semakin gila

tak lagi ada tempat untuk pulang

yang ku kira selamanya sudah tinggal poster

tempat ku singgah pun ikut hilang

di mana aku bisa melepas armor tanpa filter

sejenak, ku pikir aku berhasil menggantikan mereka

mengganti sekitar dengan teman-teman sejenis

tapi apa daya, menjadi perempuan adalah manajemen neraka

berperang hormon dan pengorbanan yang sadis

satu mengandung, satu berkelut dengan pasangan

satu menjadi ibu, lainnya berbeda hobi

bisnis terhambat, berkorban pertemanan

yang lain terpisah jarak, sisanya menjauh hati

ah, mungkin memang harusnya sendiri

sejak lahir dan tumbuh, pun sama

apakah teguran untuk aku berhenti

mencari tenang dan puas dari luar saja

Chapter Three: The Brother Issue

Daddy issues, mommy issues, absent parents.

Siblings bullying, bad parenting.

You've seen them all in movies.

But what if, you had it all but also didn't have them all at the same time?

Like you've had present parents, but not beneath the skin.

You did not experience siblings' comparison or bullying, cause you did not have any.

You did not grieve the grand parents loss cause you never experienced any of their affection.

And every time you see others... you feel jealous, envy.

She longs for a presence of family member other than her parents.

Her number one dream? An older brother.

A figure that can love her, protect her, understand her, unconditionally.

A fight between siblings, a pact against the parents.

A relationship that looks silly on the outside, and yet bonded forever on the inside.

Little moments, like having a crush on the brother's best friend.

Sneaked out and getting smacked on the head by the older brother.

Someone to protect you from the naughty seniors at school.

I don't know, things in the movies.

The thing is, this has become an unhealthy obsession of her.

Funny thing, she has a lot of male cousins in the bigger family.

But no one is close enough, understanding enough, and present enough.

So then... she casually, and gradually "collects" older brother from the outside world.

And of course all of them backfires.

No one understood her intentions.

Instead, it became something like grooming - or even worse, harassment.

Sometimes it ends up with the guys crashing on her and then they ruin the friendship.

Or worse, they take advantage of her body.

She fell again and again on this pattern, she can no longer differentiate intentions and risks.

Sounds stupid, doesn't it?

Well now, she changed her whole circle. 

Most of the friends that she still hangs out with are now girls.

Not the same, of course.

Sometimes she wonders if her loneliness is the reason she built the whole girls community.

Doing a lot of things at the same time, keeping herself busy.

Now mostly she goes places alone.

She's trying to make peace with herself, that the brother issue needs to touch ground.

That it will forever be in her dream only.

Amongst Deals, Hopes, & Depression

one pile of mess on the bed

two hours of scrolling to rot

three breathing exercises

four times of regret

a voice that makes me feel guilty

about melting my back to the surface

a weary head with no place to rest

and a lot of people to think about

asking, when is my time to shut down?

and yet, postponing another to-do list

stressing for not doing

not doing because of the stress

blaming mental illness is not an option

as i don't come from privilege

i do earn it though, enough to live comfortably

but not enough for the roulettes of interests

why do i juggle everything?

24 hours don't seem enough

i need pleasure, more, and more

without sacrificing my sleep

a restless mind, a tired heart

a friendly hello, smiley face

i guess it's depression? what a surprise

that's okay, one at a time.

the maximum level of love

there are a lot of ways to define love

is it the chemistry and connection?

is it the desire to own them?

is it the attachment to the other half?

how do you even know when it's present?

do you just... know?

or do you ask yourselves some questions and examine facts?

what i knew is saying "i love you" is heavy in two ways.

the first one, it's because you feel butterflies deep inside you.

and the other one, because it no longer comes from inside of you.

and we all know that usually the second one comes after.

what i had learned is that it also comes in many forms

there's one that live with each other flat,

the one that is more comfort or used to

one that is responsible for what they chose

like how my parents care about each other's meal

takes care of each other's health

but no "i love you", no sleeping together, no affection

they are just.... co-living?

but...

there's also one that doesn't scream ownership

an end stage where you can sincerely let go

a longing feeling that sits still without jealousy

memory recalls with wiser judgements

proudness under the surface, with supports behind the visible

a realization

that we connect on a deeper level

yet will never meet on the same track

two life lines that go further away from each other

but in our souls, the warmth remains.

Chapter Two: The Only Child

A lot of stories, movies, forums, you name it.

They talk about the prejudice of being the last child.

The golden kid, the spoiled ones, and so on.

Then the strongest victim, the first born.

The one forced to be responsible, early maturity, and others.

After that, comes the highlight to the forgotten one, middle child.

The stigma of forgotten sandwich, the invisible one, and so they said.

Whatever it is, she's always jealous of them.

And also confused... What about the only child?

No one talks about it, other than the benefit of having everything for herself.

But no one talks about how lonely it is.

To carry all the spotlight, good and bad.

To keep the family secret alone, with no siblings to badmouth with.

To cry alone in the room, while trying hard to not hear her parents' fight.

No one talks about the weight of carrying family's expectations alone.

The heaviness of moving away, leaving her parents in the empty house.

At the same time relieved that she doesn't have to witness the fights anymore.

But growing up lonely, as in used to do and handle everything alone, doesn't make her an introvert.

Surely, sometimes she's tired of the crowd. But she also prefers a little company than alone alone.

Sometimes, she wonders if she becomes needy to others, and on the bad days, feeling like everyone lowkey avoid her, or even hates her.

It's an unexplainable pressure, and loneliness.

The loneliness also comes from the distance to her parents.

Not physically, but mentally. 

On paper they look like they're close to each other, but in reality, it's on surface level only.

She never once share deeper feelings, problems, or her depression.

She always perform in front of her parents and family, that she's alright.

Maybe that's why, when she finds someone that she can share her inner world with, sometimes she got too attached. Or even ruin it without even realizing it -- but it's for another story.

All those combined, she never felt like she has a safety net.

Economically, mentally.

If she doesn't make money, she doesn't have a place to fall.

How? Her parents now need her help financially.

If she breaks, she doesn't have a place to fall.

How? Her parents don't know the ups and downs in her life.

And maybe, some quirky traumas grow inside of her -- but it's also for another story.

Now she just wants to stop trying to get loose from the loneliness inside of her.

Instead, she tries to embrace it, not fight it, and endure her loneliness as a rest day.

Chapter One: The Childhood Trauma

She wonders day and night, about random political or scientific matters.

That's just how she's built. At least what she lets the world know what she's thinking.

On the other side there's a whole other page about things that she kept it to herself.

She grew up with loving parents, always enough food on the table, nice house to live in.

School was never a problem, nor friendship or relationships.

So what could she complain about?

On the other hand, she grew up with heavy expectations on her shoulders.

When she got the second best in the class, her mom would've asked "who's the number 1?".

When she did not get an A in science, her father jokingly refused to sign the report card.

It's not the worst, though. She's even a little thankful for those pushes.

What icks her sometimes is the way her parents pushed her to act cute and the typical perfect girl, with the families, or the bosses;

so that she can get presents, or pocket money, or praises for the parents.

She knows they didn't mean it like that. It was out of love.

But then, she found out that their parents in fact are far from perfect.

She would find pictures or calls from a young girl on her father's computer.

And just when she started to silently hate her father's doing, he went broke.

When she grew up she realized how poorly her parents planned their life when they had everything.

Then she found out that her mom was even worse. 

Having boyfriend after boyfriend, without even hiding it from her.

Even taking her on a trip, or asking her to call the boyfriend "daddy".

Oh she was also taught how to act sad, scared, or surprised - for the benefit of us, she said.

Despite how this is written, no - she doesn't hate her parents at all. 

She believes that parenting is not easy, and it was never their intention to make her "suffer".

Some days, she promised herself not to grow up like their parents.

Some other days, she just cried to sleep -- or out with a male figure. 

But that's for another story.

Recently, she watched a documentary about crimes and so on.

What caught her was the commentary from the psychological point of view.

People deal with their childhood trauma in different ways.

Some of them do with reliving the trauma, but this time they try to regain control and kind of change the narrative.

So instead of being the victim, now they become the bad guy.

She couldn't say that she did not relate, but also she didn't want to make an excuse.

Just a thought though, the way she was, maybe it was it?

She used to be in a relationships, in which she was always the one cheating.

Not intentionally, but when things went south, she just kind of did it.

She hated herself for it, but could not resist for some reasons.

It kept happening, even with her first true love.

She thought she was just looking for something that is missing.

But now she's seeing it from a different perspective.

Could it really be reliving the childhood trauma?

It was almost like an addiction, and she kept relapsing.

At least until she met her turning point.

dua belah

Ada satu yang sepaham

Satu kubu satu frekuensi

Panjang jalan terang dan kelam

Siang malam saling mengisi

Dua hiu mencari celah

Berpisah susah bertemu salah

Sayang tak ditumbuhi cinta

Sebab dicobanya namun tak ada

Ada satu yang beda jalan

Arah pikiran dan kelakuan

Walau atas bawah bersama

Laju garisku tak kena gema

Dua merpati terbang menari

Bersatu rusak berpisah iri

Rasa yang diam di dalam hati

Sebab dicobanya namun tak mati

Midnight Sighs

When it hits

It’s after that blood

When you’re most attractive 

Most productive

But also wildest

You can’t contain it

So you touch it yourself

The spot, the forbidden

The delight, the hidden

And you can’t help

But playing the scenes

Of the best, hottest 

You put your palm on the bare

Block your own airway

Cause no one’s doing it

Pinch and twist

Curve it up

Turn on the purple machine

And yet you let it aside

You turn around and let nature searches

With memories and flashes

And then you just stopped 

Without release

As you got icked by your own

Lost of feelings and butterflies

As you remember your shame more than the pleasure 

And you slide it away

And lock your screen

With a heavy sigh and tasks on your desk.

Mirror mirror on the wall

I don't know how to put it in words beautifully or poetically.

But I am very very exhausted.

I feel like you are sick of me.

Maybe you just couldn't forgive and forget.

Or just cannot move on past something that we never talk about.

You always shut down everytime a problem comes, and I cannot handle this anymore.

Anything I express, you reply with anger.

I really feel like I cannot express at all if something is uncomfortable for me.

If I don't like something = I am not grateful.

I am grateful, so grateful with everything you did to me, and for me.

But you cannot fix problems with cooking for me, buying me things, or take me on a trip.

I just ask for a good communication, without anger nor sarcasms intending to hurt.

How can I try to fix things when your response is "I don't care" or "I don't give a fuck" or "you can do whatever fuck you want"?

Your response towards problem is always anger and closed off.

You told me I don't seem like I love you like before, but you are the one pushing me away.

With your anger, your mean words towards my family/friends, and you cutting my sentence with swearing words.

I cannot absorb all this pain anymore. 

I am a mirror, I am not a cotton.

I can only absorb so much before I reflect it back.

And when you give me so much anger and negativity and hate, you cannot expect me to always give you positivity, patience, and compassion.

Any relationship needs compromise, but I tried my best to beg you to see other point of view.

I asked you many times to understand that not everything has to be your way.

But you always think that I want to do it only my way, and I am not grateful.

I bend so much to your side, but you never see it.

It's getting too hurtful to bear.

Maybe we are just not meant for each other.

We want different things.

We see things from total different point of view.

We do things separate way.

So I think we just postponing and too scared to break up.

But deep down, we both know, we are not for each other for the long run.

in the falling air

whether it is a joke or the truth

again i don't know what to do

you told me you wanted it

you held me for 3 years

i believed in you

i believed you'd one day change

but the truth is you still don't believe in marriage

in having little you and little me in our lives

you said you did not want to waste my time

but then i have to decide

i know i have been pushing it aside

but deep down i know

i know, you are not the one

we want different things

in different paths

my point of view is a stranger to you

and you came back to your cycle

i want to be understood

i want to feel wanted

i want to have things without asking

but after three years, 

you still don't know my size

you still don't know my style

you still have not conquer my mind

you still do my pet peeves

and you don't relate with my feelings

it's not just the big things

like marriage and children

it's also the small things

things that i no longer ask

cause you taught me how to be stale

and now i'm stuck in the floating space

just fine, but also not fine

when i'm depressed, i try to collect the pieces of myself

and be awesome, even if you can see it through my messy room

but when you're depressed, you have to depress me too

this had me realized.

my past relationships that felt fun, cool, and couple goals

it's not about whom i was with

it was me

i carried the conversation, the image, the jokes

i carried the apologies, the fun ideas, the problem solving

i carried the relationships.

and i'm exhausted.

i always knew i never had a safety net.

but for once, i want to be carried.

even in the beginning it felt like you could actually carry me.

but really emotionally i am the bigger athlete.

and so i'm stuck

i am stuck in the fall

i am falling indefinitely

i have not hit the ground

as i'm not sure i have the privilege to start again

it almost sounded like i need someone to save me

but i will find a way to get out of the air 

and put my feet in solid ground

A Secretly Cursed Day

Just one day after my honored achievement podcast

It was a day that was supposedly dedicated to the community

Myself, as already claimed industry oriented, couldn’t pass

I could’ve not come, but either way I’d feel guilty

And so I came, along with other ambassadors 

Facing smiles and high fives, hazing myself with alcohol in glasses

Pretending not to notice those eyes of closed doors

Dissociated, couldn’t catch my breath as if it’s running its own courses

I was so scared of creating a scene out of my private tub

And so I kept my distance from everyone somehow

In what happened between the castle and the pub

I forgot about the hell, one that broke me and haunted me until now

I don’t think about it, but I still remember the scare

The abuse, the manipulation, the hate and degrading

I didn’t lie when I said I no longer care

But when I lost myself, it brought back the scariest thing

So yeah, when I had to act all smiley and bubbly

In the middle of sharp eyes of the castle, the pub, and the hell

My anxiety spiked a little too much, a bit uncontrollably 

In a way still hoping I get it together so no one can tell

And so maybe, my brain found a way to be more tipsy than it should be

Just so my soul can run away, even when I’m stuck physically

The day ended with an ache on my head

And with no tasks nor responsibility ended

3am Gojek Thoughts

 It’s just so funny 

How I think everything is okay

And the second after

 I realize it’s not

It’s not about something major you know

Like how my family can’t pay bills and all stuffs like that

But it’s the little moments in between regular life events

Where I felt weird, uncomfortable, and confronted

Where I feel half sober and half bare

Half self-restricted and half mad

It’s those little moments

Seconds, in between the girls talk

The shame no one knew

But suddenly in one night two-three more persons know

That split seconds 

I think of all of you

The camp, the pub, the castle 

All the struggles, sacrifices, and ghosts

Of all three

Am I actually still on a journey?

What the fuck is the end goal?

Cause, if when I’m in a crowd, I’m still lonely

And when I’m alone, I’m still drained

What is my fucking purpose?

What is the point?

Was I born to be alone

And lonely?

The Quiet 2AMs

One year after thirty and here I am again

Realizing I’m still scared to sleep alone

It’s not only the scary thought in the dark

But in the realization that my surroundings is turned off

The light is dimmed and I lay on my own

My mind goes wildly everywhere

Especially to deep, complex feelings, that I forget during the day.

Tears that drop voluntarily, carrying mysterious weight

Clumps of tissues, not knowing its roots 

Is it the changes in work that challenge my need to be labeled capable?

Is it realizing I have PTSD even from being broke?

Or is it the fact that besides not having a safety net financially, now the emotional is also officially gone?

My parents? Friends? Loneliness that is probably in my DNA?

Or maybe, just maybe

It’s the fact that I tried to play my guitar yesterday, for the first time after all these months

And just listened to “Sparks” during my night shower

In which I thought of writing something about ‘from matching tattoos to complete strangers’

Just before looking at the blueprint?

I mean what the fuck? 

…

I made my choice, typical over rare spice

Sounds cliché and yet very logical

I am hungry for two different highs

And I took the tangibles over natural 

Call me shallow, or even a materialist

But I like this sense of power and rises

Intimidating, and always on the list

Even if it includes questioning my life choices 

Convincing myself I am decent

Tattooing another reminder

That I shall live in the moment

And it will only get better

Growth?

Thirties are like twenties that you can afford, they said.

It’s the age between maturing and exploring.

A bit of more stable, a bit of still crazy.

But no one warned me about the loneliness.

Well I guess they did, about the smaller circle.

Quantity over quality, the selection of nature, and so on.

But why is it, the day that I’m always excited for, one that I never want to end - makes me feel sad and unfulfilled?

4 years ago I was surrounded by friends with benefits.

3 years ago I was working.

2 years ago was my farewell.

1 year ago I started my giving back tradition.

But this year it feels so empty, less joy and more regret of arranging my own celebration.

Some of my closest ones didn’t come.

The catering that was a help for a friend let me down.

Yes it was for a good cause that is near and dear to my heart. 

But what about me? It’s supposed to be my day.

I understand. People work, some have kids, some problems don’t wait, distance, money, there are more important things in this world, yada yada.

But can I be sad for going from six cakes and surprises on repeat, to ordering and picking up my own cake?

Can I be a little bit selfish on my day?

There

You thought you knew me well

Hell I thought you knew me too well

But in between my daydream

In between my tangled lost mind on the ride

In seconds of my loneliness 

I remembered things that happened to me

The other harassment, my ex’s song, a weird drink

And those seconds, I wish I could tell you

Like how I used to

Just text you randomly to tell random things

And somehow it’s not weird 

It felt good. Like the stimulation on my brain is met.

But now I just have to keep it in and produce weird dreams.

Oh well, this is one of those lost thought on a gojek ride.

Happy Ending?

Half past midnight my mind went abroad.

I thought of songs that have one thing in common;

“If the world is ending…”

I guess it makes sense.

If everything’s ending and nothing else matters,

I imagine, that’s when everyone stripped down.

No more social classes, the rich and the poor, status and fame, age gap, the healthy and the sick. 

Whatever you’re wearing, wherever you live, whomever with — everyone would be wiped out.

No exception.

Then it hit me hard.

Days after, my fellow asked me:

“What would you do if you knew that the world is ending in 2 days?”

I was startled. 

I worked hard to get to where I am today.

I’m not ready to let go.

I didn’t even go to Japan, or skydiving.

And then I thought about my parents.

Can I get a ticket to J town when everything’s ending? 

Do I have time?

Also, will I be contacting someone to hug him for the last time?

And why am I not sure who that someone is?

Then I realize that I have been making decisions all my life, based on man-made things;

Money, fame, status, physique — hedonism, materialism. 

I do see intentions too, brain, heart, and chemistry.

But after all, I’m no Dakota, and they’re neither Chris Evans nor Pedro Pascal.

Am I materialistic? Am I shallow?

“I’d try heroine, and then go on, have the best coffee and all that.”

She broke my tangled mind situation with a laugh.

Well I guess that makes sense too.