dua belah

Ada satu yang sepaham

Satu kubu satu frekuensi

Panjang jalan terang dan kelam

Siang malam saling mengisi

Dua hiu mencari celah

Berpisah susah bertemu salah

Sayang tak ditumbuhi cinta

Sebab dicobanya namun tak ada

Ada satu yang beda jalan

Arah pikiran dan kelakuan

Walau atas bawah bersama

Laju garisku tak kena gema

Dua merpati terbang menari

Bersatu rusak berpisah iri

Rasa yang diam di dalam hati

Sebab dicobanya namun tak mati

Midnight Sighs

When it hits

It’s after that blood

When you’re most attractive 

Most productive

But also wildest

You can’t contain it

So you touch it yourself

The spot, the forbidden

The delight, the hidden

And you can’t help

But playing the scenes

Of the best, hottest 

You put your palm on the bare

Block your own airway

Cause no one’s doing it

Pinch and twist

Curve it up

Turn on the purple machine

And yet you let it aside

You turn around and let nature searches

With memories and flashes

And then you just stopped 

Without release

As you got icked by your own

Lost of feelings and butterflies

As you remember your shame more than the pleasure 

And you slide it away

And lock your screen

With a heavy sigh and tasks on your desk.

Mirror mirror on the wall

I don't know how to put it in words beautifully or poetically.

But I am very very exhausted.

I feel like you are sick of me.

Maybe you just couldn't forgive and forget.

Or just cannot move on past something that we never talk about.

You always shut down everytime a problem comes, and I cannot handle this anymore.

Anything I express, you reply with anger.

I really feel like I cannot express at all if something is uncomfortable for me.

If I don't like something = I am not grateful.

I am grateful, so grateful with everything you did to me, and for me.

But you cannot fix problems with cooking for me, buying me things, or take me on a trip.

I just ask for a good communication, without anger nor sarcasms intending to hurt.

How can I try to fix things when your response is "I don't care" or "I don't give a fuck" or "you can do whatever fuck you want"?

Your response towards problem is always anger and closed off.

You told me I don't seem like I love you like before, but you are the one pushing me away.

With your anger, your mean words towards my family/friends, and you cutting my sentence with swearing words.

I cannot absorb all this pain anymore. 

I am a mirror, I am not a cotton.

I can only absorb so much before I reflect it back.

And when you give me so much anger and negativity and hate, you cannot expect me to always give you positivity, patience, and compassion.

Any relationship needs compromise, but I tried my best to beg you to see other point of view.

I asked you many times to understand that not everything has to be your way.

But you always think that I want to do it only my way, and I am not grateful.

I bend so much to your side, but you never see it.

It's getting too hurtful to bear.

Maybe we are just not meant for each other.

We want different things.

We see things from total different point of view.

We do things separate way.

So I think we just postponing and too scared to break up.

But deep down, we both know, we are not for each other for the long run.

in the falling air

whether it is a joke or the truth

again i don't know what to do

you told me you wanted it

you held me for 3 years

i believed in you

i believed you'd one day change

but the truth is you still don't believe in marriage

in having little you and little me in our lives

you said you did not want to waste my time

but then i have to decide

i know i have been pushing it aside

but deep down i know

i know, you are not the one

we want different things

in different paths

my point of view is a stranger to you

and you came back to your cycle

i want to be understood

i want to feel wanted

i want to have things without asking

but after three years, 

you still don't know my size

you still don't know my style

you still have not conquer my mind

you still do my pet peeves

and you don't relate with my feelings

it's not just the big things

like marriage and children

it's also the small things

things that i no longer ask

cause you taught me how to be stale

and now i'm stuck in the floating space

just fine, but also not fine

when i'm depressed, i try to collect the pieces of myself

and be awesome, even if you can see it through my messy room

but when you're depressed, you have to depress me too

this had me realized.

my past relationships that felt fun, cool, and couple goals

it's not about whom i was with

it was me

i carried the conversation, the image, the jokes

i carried the apologies, the fun ideas, the problem solving

i carried the relationships.

and i'm exhausted.

i always knew i never had a safety net.

but for once, i want to be carried.

even in the beginning it felt like you could actually carry me.

but really emotionally i am the bigger athlete.

and so i'm stuck

i am stuck in the fall

i am falling indefinitely

i have not hit the ground

as i'm not sure i have the privilege to start again

it almost sounded like i need someone to save me

but i will find a way to get out of the air 

and put my feet in solid ground

A Secretly Cursed Day

Just one day after my honored achievement podcast

It was a day that was supposedly dedicated to the community

Myself, as already claimed industry oriented, couldn’t pass

I could’ve not come, but either way I’d feel guilty

And so I came, along with other ambassadors 

Facing smiles and high fives, hazing myself with alcohol in glasses

Pretending not to notice those eyes of closed doors

Dissociated, couldn’t catch my breath as if it’s running its own courses

I was so scared of creating a scene out of my private tub

And so I kept my distance from everyone somehow

In what happened between the castle and the pub

I forgot about the hell, one that broke me and haunted me until now

I don’t think about it, but I still remember the scare

The abuse, the manipulation, the hate and degrading

I didn’t lie when I said I no longer care

But when I lost myself, it brought back the scariest thing

So yeah, when I had to act all smiley and bubbly

In the middle of sharp eyes of the castle, the pub, and the hell

My anxiety spiked a little too much, a bit uncontrollably 

In a way still hoping I get it together so no one can tell

And so maybe, my brain found a way to be more tipsy than it should be

Just so my soul can run away, even when I’m stuck physically

The day ended with an ache on my head

And with no tasks nor responsibility ended

3am Gojek Thoughts

 It’s just so funny 

How I think everything is okay

And the second after

 I realize it’s not

It’s not about something major you know

Like how my family can’t pay bills and all stuffs like that

But it’s the little moments in between regular life events

Where I felt weird, uncomfortable, and confronted

Where I feel half sober and half bare

Half self-restricted and half mad

It’s those little moments

Seconds, in between the girls talk

The shame no one knew

But suddenly in one night two-three more persons know

That split seconds 

I think of all of you

The camp, the pub, the castle 

All the struggles, sacrifices, and ghosts

Of all three

Am I actually still on a journey?

What the fuck is the end goal?

Cause, if when I’m in a crowd, I’m still lonely

And when I’m alone, I’m still drained

What is my fucking purpose?

What is the point?

Was I born to be alone

And lonely?

The Quiet 2AMs

One year after thirty and here I am again

Realizing I’m still scared to sleep alone

It’s not only the scary thought in the dark

But in the realization that my surroundings is turned off

The light is dimmed and I lay on my own

My mind goes wildly everywhere

Especially to deep, complex feelings, that I forget during the day.

Tears that drop voluntarily, carrying mysterious weight

Clumps of tissues, not knowing its roots 

Is it the changes in work that challenge my need to be labeled capable?

Is it realizing I have PTSD even from being broke?

Or is it the fact that besides not having a safety net financially, now the emotional is also officially gone?

My parents? Friends? Loneliness that is probably in my DNA?

Or maybe, just maybe

It’s the fact that I tried to play my guitar yesterday, for the first time after all these months

And just listened to “Sparks” during my night shower

In which I thought of writing something about ‘from matching tattoos to complete strangers’

Just before looking at the blueprint?

I mean what the fuck? 

…

I made my choice, typical over rare spice

Sounds cliché and yet very logical

I am hungry for two different highs

And I took the tangibles over natural 

Call me shallow, or even a materialist

But I like this sense of power and rises

Intimidating, and always on the list

Even if it includes questioning my life choices 

Convincing myself I am decent

Tattooing another reminder

That I shall live in the moment

And it will only get better

Growth?

Thirties are like twenties that you can afford, they said.

It’s the age between maturing and exploring.

A bit of more stable, a bit of still crazy.

But no one warned me about the loneliness.

Well I guess they did, about the smaller circle.

Quantity over quality, the selection of nature, and so on.

But why is it, the day that I’m always excited for, one that I never want to end - makes me feel sad and unfulfilled?

4 years ago I was surrounded by friends with benefits.

3 years ago I was working.

2 years ago was my farewell.

1 year ago I started my giving back tradition.

But this year it feels so empty, less joy and more regret of arranging my own celebration.

Some of my closest ones didn’t come.

The catering that was a help for a friend let me down.

Yes it was for a good cause that is near and dear to my heart. 

But what about me? It’s supposed to be my day.

I understand. People work, some have kids, some problems don’t wait, distance, money, there are more important things in this world, yada yada.

But can I be sad for going from six cakes and surprises on repeat, to ordering and picking up my own cake?

Can I be a little bit selfish on my day?

There

You thought you knew me well

Hell I thought you knew me too well

But in between my daydream

In between my tangled lost mind on the ride

In seconds of my loneliness 

I remembered things that happened to me

The other harassment, my ex’s song, a weird drink

And those seconds, I wish I could tell you

Like how I used to

Just text you randomly to tell random things

And somehow it’s not weird 

It felt good. Like the stimulation on my brain is met.

But now I just have to keep it in and produce weird dreams.

Oh well, this is one of those lost thought on a gojek ride.

Happy Ending?

Half past midnight my mind went abroad.

I thought of songs that have one thing in common;

“If the world is ending…”

I guess it makes sense.

If everything’s ending and nothing else matters,

I imagine, that’s when everyone stripped down.

No more social classes, the rich and the poor, status and fame, age gap, the healthy and the sick. 

Whatever you’re wearing, wherever you live, whomever with — everyone would be wiped out.

No exception.

Then it hit me hard.

Days after, my fellow asked me:

“What would you do if you knew that the world is ending in 2 days?”

I was startled. 

I worked hard to get to where I am today.

I’m not ready to let go.

I didn’t even go to Japan, or skydiving.

And then I thought about my parents.

Can I get a ticket to J town when everything’s ending? 

Do I have time?

Also, will I be contacting someone to hug him for the last time?

And why am I not sure who that someone is?

Then I realize that I have been making decisions all my life, based on man-made things;

Money, fame, status, physique — hedonism, materialism. 

I do see intentions too, brain, heart, and chemistry.

But after all, I’m no Dakota, and they’re neither Chris Evans nor Pedro Pascal.

Am I materialistic? Am I shallow?

“I’d try heroine, and then go on, have the best coffee and all that.”

She broke my tangled mind situation with a laugh.

Well I guess that makes sense too.