another goodbye

 I'm tired.

I'm drained.

I'm not sure...

whether it's the disloyalty of my parents, or the only-child anxiety, or my recent biggest heartbreak; -- or it's just me making excuses.

but for sure I know that I can't stand being alone.

i need someone to cling on to.

i feel lonely regularly.

even it's hard for me to sleep alone.

attachment problem? maybe.

idk.

but escaping from the last trauma i had with him, i found you.

i know it's fuckin messed up.

cause your brother was there, helping me getting through all the transition, yet didn't get me in every way.

and here i am, thinking, worrying about you. 

you, who's probably spending time with another girl who's wayyy out of my league.

it's weird how i got to care about you that fast, that much, just like that.

when you're depressed, anxious; i see myself in you.

somehow i long to be the one who can get you, fix you.

fuckin cliche isn't it?

in the other hand i perfectly understand your circumstances.

your personality, how you make space when people got too close.

how you long for your freedom and adventures.

it's just.....

i really wanted to give you some space, at the same time to be there whenever you need company.

to try my best to get you. your weirdness. your trauma. your way of seeing things.

but when i see how depressed you are, i'm just so scared, that you would give up on life.

and suddenly, boom.

you just disappear.

i don't know how the fuck can i reach you.

and then there she is, in town.

that famous girl i could never compete with.

maybe you're with her.

idk, idc.

i don't like to be the plan B.

i hate being number 2.

fuck.

are you gonna give me another trauma?

jeez, i just got out of that fuckin poisonous pattern.

and i know you're in trouble, but i am too.

and i don't want another one, really.

it's fuckin enough.

in the end, i always come to this point where i have to stand on my own feet.

cause i can't rely  on any guy.

and fuck-- idk what issue i have, why am i so dependable to guys.

no, i don't have daddy issues.

i love my parents and they always care about me.

i really don't know why i can't stand being alone.

but from what i read, i can only get through this if i can beat my fears.

so yeah, here comes loneliness, which i have to beat by myself.

goodbye hopes.

i'm gonna learn to be on my own.

That One Snap…

I finally understand…

Why you weren’t as excited as I was with moving in together;

Why you weren’t as happy as I was to spend silent day just the two of us, escaping from the world;

Why you didn’t show me to the world as your girl while I talked about how great you were to people…

I finally understand.

For me, you are my second love. Real love-love. The first person who could make me feel that ‘in love’ - after my first love. Whom I would’ve given the world to if I could. You were very special to me. Irreplaceable. You were the only one I wanted.

But for you, I am just another partner, another part of your patterns. Just another ex, who’s not as great as your other exes / girls; according to you.

It hurts and it’s hard to acknowledge this. But it’s also a relief. I finally realize how I’m way better off without you. And how it’s always been a pattern.

Don’t get me wrong. I still think you’re an amazing person. But you just can’t be grateful of anything. 

I will not forget you and I can’t hate you.

I can only hate the way you treated me and didn’t appreciate me. And I hate the fact that your attitude is upside down from your skills and knowledge. 

I realize how I loved you so much but I wasn’t happy being with you. Cause I love people. I’m very emphatic and caring. And you’re just mean and careless.

Having family problems doesn’t make you have the rights to hurt other people, to break hearts, and to be very destructive towards lives; and blame it on the family history. People have family problems too. 

Well I’m glad I finally accept all this.

Thank you for finally letting me free. I am more calm. I am happier. More productive. Less tears. Less cries. Less anxiety attacks. 

I really really hope you’ll find that one snap that makes you wake up from your pattern.

My snap was you.

goodbye.

i am letting go.

thank you for teaching me a very hard lesson in a very hard way.

but i got my karma. i understood.

now it's time to move on.

because let's just face it. you will never ever change.

and it's enough. enough for me to get hurt.

yes, it's sad.

and i cried, a lot. 

but it gets better.

the cries become less.

i know it's for the best.

cause when with you, 

the cries get worse.

the wound never heals, it gets deeper.

we had some good times, yes.

but when i look back, it's not as many as the bad times.

yes we laughed at our inside jokes,

but we also cried and fought almost everyday.

you wasted my time and energy.

i realized.

and now, i'd rather use them to meet someone who gives positive energy.

someone who can respect me as a woman.

someone who brings joy instead of tears.

oh darling.

you said love?

no, love doesn't hurt this much.

love doesn't take for granted again and again.

love doesn't hit or kick, or lock the other half outside.

love doesn't lie over the same things.

and if you loved me you wouldn't like to hurt me.

so move on, too.

do whatever you like, with your precious life.

meet and kiss and flirt and fuck whatever.

i'm so done.

i really just hope you stop breaking people's heart.

be honest if you just want fun.

be honest if you're not ready for love.

don't make people expect and end up disappointed.

don't break people.

i wish you the best.

by the best i mean you suffer cause someone hurt you so much it hit your mind and heart.

so you can learn and be better.

you hurt me for the last time. 

goodbye.

A Hard Way of Learning Life

I'm taking a minute to pause, and pour this moment of mixed events on this page of thoughts.

These past months have been probably the hardest time of my life; but so other people's life, I know.

I don't wanna brag about how miserable my position is at the moment, really.

I realize I'm still way more fortunate than other people out there.

But like one of my bestfriends said to me, "you don't need to be the most miserable to feel miserable."

And yeah, I'm actually crumbling down right now, but I'm proud of myself.

I'm proud of how I can keep myself together and not lose my shit out there.

Even when I'm feeling at the lowest, I can still think about other people and I'm proud of that.

Firstly, I am still broken and madly depressed about my past relationship with him.

Fuck, God knows how much I wish I could un-love this person, and just move on without the thoughts of him.

But also, I know that accepting the fact that I genuinely love a person that isn't right for my life - is one step towards the next level of maturity in life.

So yeah, "poco a poco", they said. I'll move on in a very slow tempo, one step at a time, accepting reality and throw away the illusion of people changing for good.

Maybe, just maybe, the universe has its own way to tell me that this person will never ever change.

I found out that he's already in this pattern of dating games since 2014. And I don't know if it's even started before that.

I also found out that I'm not even more special to him than his exes before me. 

He could do the same shit to his exes that he loved more, he gave time and effort more, even he showed off to public more.

So why would he change for me? Bullshit.

I don't wanna be just another chapter of chicks of your goddamn book.

I believe I deserve more.

Now, I just need to be strict to myself, and let him go from my life.

I don't regret anything, I know everything happens for a reason, and this rollercoaster will bring the better out of me.

I might not be able to un-love him, but sooner or later, I will be able to live my life without him, and love myself more.

My second fireball is this financial situation. I was rising, even if it's not that rapid, but I was able to take care of myself, my family, even sometimes my staffs.

Now I feel like I'm back at ground zero. 

I can't help my parents. I even added my father's debt out of my clumsiness.

Set aside my wish lists, I can't even buy myself a proper food.

Yesterday I cried when I ate.

I only have 50k for the whole week before payday.

So I couldn't take my finished laundry. 

I couldn't buy myself food that my friend's selling.

I bought myself 5000k rice and ate it with beef floss with chili sachet.

The next day I ate instant noodle that my company gave for free with an egg that I stole from my workplace.

Fuck I felt so worthless for a second.

Now it's Tuesday and I still have to wait till Friday for payday.

I only have 20k left. 

You know I slightly laughed as I'm writing this down, haha.

Cause I believe for sure this will be a moment to remember, a moment to remind me to be more grateful.

Someday it will be a story to tell and to laugh to.

However, it still weighs a lot on my shoulder about my father's debt. 

I really don't know how to help.

Am I too selfish because I'm not taking other job that pays better just because I don't want to?

Am I too selfish to prioritize my passion and career path instead of my family needs?

I'm just trying to survive. To be happy. Which are two things that sounds so simple, yet now it feels so hard.

Last one is my health, both physically and mentally.

I know this is probably an effect of the stress given by two things above.

But yeah, physically I'm not as fit as my usual. 

I have a lump on my upper thigh that honestly freak the shit out of me.

I've been trying to cure this since January. 

Mentally, I'm honestly depressed. I really don't want to exaggerate things but I do constantly get anxious.

I even feel now I got separation and social anxiety.

I keep myself isolated and I don't feel like talking to / meeting people that I'm not really close with.

I can't open my heart yet for another guy, too.

I feel so broken and numb. I lost my confidence. 

I feel like I need loving, support, but also I know it has to come from myself.

I'm tired of little things. I don't get excited at things I used to like.

I realize I lost my glow. My skin is dull. My eyes are weary.

Despite all these, I know I am loved.

I have a lot of friends who really give a damn about me.

God gave me talents, intelligence, and a good heart.

I got beautiful parents that I want to take care of.

So yeah. Right now I'm surviving. Day by day. Do things one by one.

I believe it will all get better. 

I will feel better.

There will be a way and answers.

This might be a hard way of learning life, but it works.

And eventually, I will be that happy person again.

Reckless.

I'm sitting alone in the thought of mine

Staring blank at the stained white wall

Wondering how could you be so fine?

After we burn our plans and bury them all

Do you even know how hard it is?

To let go of someone you love so much

But I guess you don't know a love like this

More than just money, company, and touch

I wish I could be like you

Being so careless and everything's alright

No matter what things I did for you

You're just so reckless with my heart

God knows how much tears I shed

I cannot sleep, I cannot breathe

My days alone in this bed

I miss you but oh, the things you did

Why can't I just forget you?

After you break more than just my trust

I'm lost, don't know what to do

Crying my heart out, to move on without us.

"The Love Language of The Narcissist is Gaslighting" - Mystic Michaela

Logically, if I make you happy, if you love me and don’t wanna lose me, why bother others? I want a partner who can say no to pretty girls and proudly say “I’m with her”, if you can’t get to that level I don’t wanna waste my time and energy anymore. I tried everything. I stayed no matter what. Now I'm done.

This time 3am in the morning I found out that apparently, you are a narcissist. 

Seriously, you need some help.

Some articles about them:

A true narcissist is someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It’s a mental health condition characterized by:

- an inflated sense of importance

 - a deep need for excessive attention and admiration

- lack of empathy for others

- often having troubled relationships

What it boils down to, says licensed therapist Rebecca Weiler, LMHC, is selfishness at the (usually extreme) expense of others, plus the inability to consider others’ feelings at all.

11 signs of Narcissist Partner:

1. They were charming AF… at first

2. They hog the conversation, talking about how great they are

3. They feed off your compliments

4. They lack empathy

5. They don’t have any (or many) long-term friends

6. They pick on you constantly

7. They gaslight you

8. They dance around defining the relationship

    If your partner is exhibiting some of the other symptoms on this list and won’t commit, it’s likely a red flag.

    Some narcissists will expect you to treat them like they’re your partner so they can reap the intimate, emotional, and sexual benefits while also keeping an eye out for prospects who they deem superior.

    In fact, you may notice that your partner flirts with or looks at others in front of you, your family, or your friends.

9. They think they’re right about everything… and never apologize

10. They panic when you try to break up with them

11. … and when you show them you’re really done, they lash out

(source: Healthline: Am I Dating A Narcissist )*

*Better to read the entire article. So detail.

Narcissistic Pattern of Abuse:

1. Groom

    Also known as love bomb or hoover. Compliments, acts of service, feigning things in common, apparent kindness, apologies, promises to change, hypervigilant "positive" attention.

    In this phase, the victim thinks this is the true man she knows. His sense of she is under his control fuels his supply.

2. Devalue

    Undermining the victim's strengths. The victim is confused because her supposed "partner" is acting like her enemy.

    Often the abuser seeks additional supply from pornography, affair partners, flying monkeys, etc. They may also engage in addictive behaviors such as gaming, gambling, alcohol, drugs, sports, etc., which amount to abusive entitlements.

3. Discard

    Emotional and physical abandonment, abusive sexual consumption of women, including porn use or infidelity. These abusive acts are often blamed on the victim.

    In these phase the victim's pain fuels abuser's supply.

(source: Betrayal Trauma Recovery)

5 Common Gaslighting Tactics:

1. Gaslighters lie about things you know to be true.

2. They accuse you of the negative behaviors they engage in themselves.

3. They call you crazy, emotionally unbalanced, overthinking, or too sensitive.

4. They undermine you in subtle ways.

5. When you confront gaslighters about their behavior, they often deflect and distract.

(source: Psychology Today)

madly broken.

 you. are. never. going. to. change.

6 words that my head always says, but my heart never listens.

one week we were back together (not as couple but you know);

one day I snapped and didn't come to you (when I wrote the post before);

and you fuckin get another girl to your fuckin room.

just. freakin. one. day.

you really cannot stand being without a freakin chick can you???

last night we fought because you didn't wanna kiss me.

sounds ridiculous? 

I AM FUCKIN TIRED OF BEING PATHETIC.

it's obvious that I want you and I need you more than you want and need me.

yes, no one knows that now I slept in your room almost every freakin day.

cause, yes, I am embarrassed.

you treated me like shit. you talked shit about me to people.

I had to tell people how you treated me because JESUS CHRIST I FUCKIN STAYED BY YOUR SIDE.

and I look so dumb that I keep coming back to you.

people see me as a stupid pathetic fool.

I can keep all these to my heart, or at least just pour it here.

but you know, when I'm drunk it's like the filter is dead.

all the grudges I've been holding against you just explode.

I'm sorry but yes, I'm still fuckin broken. I'm still fuckin hurt.

at the same time I still fuckin love you and miss you.

I am torn, between needing you and hating you.

I am fuckin hurt whether I stay or I go.

well yes, as you said, it's been 2 months after we broke up and now we're on a different base.

but also yes, you haven't changed that much.

you said we're getting better together? 

are you fucking kidding me? i'm so mad to hear that honestly.

how is it better? 

you are fuckin addicted to girls. I just can't stand it.

and I will never be cool with that so better my ass.

you just can't never get it, how broken I am.

all my life I only truly loved one person and he was my highschool first love.

the first person to have a room in my heart after that guy is you.

a person that hurts me the most.

I just really really wish I could un-love you.

and someday you would be hurt as much as I'm hurt by you so you'd realize how bad you were.

I hope you'd learn it the hard way like I did and I hope I would find my love as soon as possible and you would regret losing me all your freakin life.

you broke me first.

Loneliest Love

Hi.

After these long roller-coaster of ours, and a conversation this night,

I feel like I need to write my heart out to you, quietly.

Right now I'm crying alone in my room, forgetting about other responsibilities and work I have.

Breaking down, feeling blue, wondering about you.

Honestly, I don't get why it is so hard for you.

I feel really content just to be with you. I'm proud to say you're my boy.

I never even care what people said to me; no matter how bad it sounds.

You know how far I'd go for you.

I did my best to be your ride or die, to understand you when no one can.

But everything that I do, it's just not enough from you.

You just can't feel grateful can you?

All I want is for you to be content with just me. 

To be that boyfriend whom every girl chase but always stick to me and say "that's my girl" proudly whether I'm around or not. 

You know, silly me. So many times I have this made up scenario in my mind, when you really wanna show off to the world that I am your girl. 

Like you show me off on your social media, to your friends, proudly.

Like how I always talk about you fondly to my friends.

Silly, am I not?

The naive piece of me keeps wishing you would change someday; that having one me would be enough for you.

After those rough paths we went through, we got close again and stupidly I hoped you've changed, or at least are changing.

But that one night, I saw everything. Your jar of hearts.

I really don't get it. Does having a long list of chicks really make you happy and fulfilled? 

I'm even back on dating apps just to justify your doings.

As much as I hate it, I truly love you. 

But loving you makes me feel so lonely and pathetic.

If only you could be content and grateful with me. I couldn't have asked for more.

But it's okay, you know. Maybe you are my karma and I have to learn the hard way through you.

I don't know what I should or would do right now, because whether I stay with you or run from you,

it will hurt me very bad either way.

I wish I could think and do things like you, really.

Breaking up doesn't affect your career, doesn't affect your relationships with your girls.

The worst part is, you can look me in the eyes, saying "I love you, G", kissing my forehead;

while you still "babe" other girls and throwing hopes here and there.

I wish someday, you'll realize.

Even if it's not with me, but at least you can see who you can become the way I always see you.

I always hope the best for you.

Good night.

I still fuckin love you, D.

10 Things I Hate About You

1. I hate how I always forgive you, no matter how bad you hurt me.

2. I hate your lies, the way you turn things around with your twisting words.

3. I hate that you are so narcist, all of the conversation will only revolve around you.

4. I hate that you don't care about people's feelings, and yet pretend like others are lack of common sense.

5. I hate the way you can flirt around even when I'm there, making me look like a fool.

6. I hate that you can talk shit behind me when all I do is adore you and talk only about your nice things to people.

7. I hate that you can ignore me easily, while I'm waiting hours for you just to come home, even though most of the time you're not really present.

8. I hate that you are so smart and you are a very good speaker. You are charming and I will always fall for you. (and so other chicks).

9. I hate how you can control my life, and even in the lowest point of my depression I only look for you.

10. I hate how I fall in love again and again with you, even if it hurts so bad.