Return Postcard From The Silent Reader

The silences between the 2am laughters got to me

I thought I moved on passed what happened

I thought I let go of the thoughts of what I could've done differently

I thought I could, just shove it away and focus on what I have

But...

The billiards reminded me of who taught me how to break

The bar hops reminded me of whom I used to share the social weight with

The cocktails and judging reminded me of who used to answer my questions

Barbecues reminded me of who held the beach barbecue on sunsets

I open my wardrobe and who gave me these so many gifts?

I can't even begin with my skateboard life that I put aside.

Who else is willing to understand my twisted, tangled, sometimes dark mind?

So how can I let go of the thoughts of what I could've done differently?

Cause there were so many ways I could take, but I didn't.

I chose to slip and roll between the risks, fueled by adrenaline.

What I didn't realize was I was risking it all.

I lost a friend, a listener, a problem solver, a planner, a mentor, a partner-in-crime.

And the collateral loss? The boat trip, the photoshoot, the cow-calling group,

the little plans, the inside jokes that now got nowhere to go.

But also, you were right. I don't dream of you the way you dream of me.

I enjoy how you made me feel. You fed me confidence, comfort, and a safe place.

It's not that you're not worth the price, and you weren't just a phase.

But deep down I know I can't ever 'return' how much you've been giving.

So a tiny part of myself, is relieved, that you found the courage to let go.

So run, fly, reach what you deserve. Cause I've been only holding you back.

You don't shed tears, but you're breaking yourself. And it's on me.

So let my tears bear all these, and let yourself free from the weight I brought.