Loneliest Love

Hi.

After these long roller-coaster of ours, and a conversation this night,

I feel like I need to write my heart out to you, quietly.

Right now I'm crying alone in my room, forgetting about other responsibilities and work I have.

Breaking down, feeling blue, wondering about you.

Honestly, I don't get why it is so hard for you.

I feel really content just to be with you. I'm proud to say you're my boy.

I never even care what people said to me; no matter how bad it sounds.

You know how far I'd go for you.

I did my best to be your ride or die, to understand you when no one can.

But everything that I do, it's just not enough from you.

You just can't feel grateful can you?

All I want is for you to be content with just me. 

To be that boyfriend whom every girl chase but always stick to me and say "that's my girl" proudly whether I'm around or not. 

You know, silly me. So many times I have this made up scenario in my mind, when you really wanna show off to the world that I am your girl. 

Like you show me off on your social media, to your friends, proudly.

Like how I always talk about you fondly to my friends.

Silly, am I not?

The naive piece of me keeps wishing you would change someday; that having one me would be enough for you.

After those rough paths we went through, we got close again and stupidly I hoped you've changed, or at least are changing.

But that one night, I saw everything. Your jar of hearts.

I really don't get it. Does having a long list of chicks really make you happy and fulfilled? 

I'm even back on dating apps just to justify your doings.

As much as I hate it, I truly love you. 

But loving you makes me feel so lonely and pathetic.

If only you could be content and grateful with me. I couldn't have asked for more.

But it's okay, you know. Maybe you are my karma and I have to learn the hard way through you.

I don't know what I should or would do right now, because whether I stay with you or run from you,

it will hurt me very bad either way.

I wish I could think and do things like you, really.

Breaking up doesn't affect your career, doesn't affect your relationships with your girls.

The worst part is, you can look me in the eyes, saying "I love you, G", kissing my forehead;

while you still "babe" other girls and throwing hopes here and there.

I wish someday, you'll realize.

Even if it's not with me, but at least you can see who you can become the way I always see you.

I always hope the best for you.

Good night.

I still fuckin love you, D.