another goodbye

 I'm tired.

I'm drained.

I'm not sure...

whether it's the disloyalty of my parents, or the only-child anxiety, or my recent biggest heartbreak; -- or it's just me making excuses.

but for sure I know that I can't stand being alone.

i need someone to cling on to.

i feel lonely regularly.

even it's hard for me to sleep alone.

attachment problem? maybe.

idk.

but escaping from the last trauma i had with him, i found you.

i know it's fuckin messed up.

cause your brother was there, helping me getting through all the transition, yet didn't get me in every way.

and here i am, thinking, worrying about you. 

you, who's probably spending time with another girl who's wayyy out of my league.

it's weird how i got to care about you that fast, that much, just like that.

when you're depressed, anxious; i see myself in you.

somehow i long to be the one who can get you, fix you.

fuckin cliche isn't it?

in the other hand i perfectly understand your circumstances.

your personality, how you make space when people got too close.

how you long for your freedom and adventures.

it's just.....

i really wanted to give you some space, at the same time to be there whenever you need company.

to try my best to get you. your weirdness. your trauma. your way of seeing things.

but when i see how depressed you are, i'm just so scared, that you would give up on life.

and suddenly, boom.

you just disappear.

i don't know how the fuck can i reach you.

and then there she is, in town.

that famous girl i could never compete with.

maybe you're with her.

idk, idc.

i don't like to be the plan B.

i hate being number 2.

fuck.

are you gonna give me another trauma?

jeez, i just got out of that fuckin poisonous pattern.

and i know you're in trouble, but i am too.

and i don't want another one, really.

it's fuckin enough.

in the end, i always come to this point where i have to stand on my own feet.

cause i can't rely  on any guy.

and fuck-- idk what issue i have, why am i so dependable to guys.

no, i don't have daddy issues.

i love my parents and they always care about me.

i really don't know why i can't stand being alone.

but from what i read, i can only get through this if i can beat my fears.

so yeah, here comes loneliness, which i have to beat by myself.

goodbye hopes.

i'm gonna learn to be on my own.