Growth?

Thirties are like twenties that you can afford, they said.

It’s the age between maturing and exploring.

A bit of more stable, a bit of still crazy.

But no one warned me about the loneliness.

Well I guess they did, about the smaller circle.

Quantity over quality, the selection of nature, and so on.

But why is it, the day that I’m always excited for, one that I never want to end - makes me feel sad and unfulfilled?

4 years ago I was surrounded by friends with benefits.

3 years ago I was working.

2 years ago was my farewell.

1 year ago I started my giving back tradition.

But this year it feels so empty, less joy and more regret of arranging my own celebration.

Some of my closest ones didn’t come.

The catering that was a help for a friend let me down.

Yes it was for a good cause that is near and dear to my heart. 

But what about me? It’s supposed to be my day.

I understand. People work, some have kids, some problems don’t wait, distance, money, there are more important things in this world, yada yada.

But can I be sad for going from six cakes and surprises on repeat, to ordering and picking up my own cake?

Can I be a little bit selfish on my day?